Polyvagal Informed Parenting

Applying the principles of Polyvagal Theory to parenting is substantially beneficial and empowering. 

The basis for this is that since Polyvagal Theory explains how our physiology responds in response to internal and external cues and stimuli, by embodying this understanding and the related principles in any domain of life, including parenting, we are able to work with our physiology.  As described above, whether or not we choose to acknowledge and understand these processes, they are continuously occurring.  By not embodying these principles we are, effectively, taking the chance that we may react or respond in a skillful and effective fashion.  In contrast, by fully embracing and implementing the polyvagal informed skills and strategies, we provide ourselves the greatest likelihood for performing in our role as humans and parents in the best possible fashion.  In addition these principles apply equally to those around us, including our children.  Recognizing and working with their physiology provides the best opportunity to develop connection with our children and optimize our ability to co-regulate them.

In addition to applying the polyvagal informed practices to ourselves, there are additional considerations in applying these skills and strategies to our parenting. It is important to recognize that just as the resilience of our nervous system is not determined by a lack of dysregulation, the relationships we have, including with our children, is not defined by a lack of conflict or rupture.  Rather, our relationships are better evaluated on the ability to rapidly and effectively repair any ruptures or conflicts which arise.  As we are all human, we will not always respond, react, and behave in the fashion we hope to.  There will be instances, including in our parenting, where we will behave suboptimally.  The recognition that, firstly, we are human and this is not abnormal or unexpected in combination with the acknowledgement that when this occurs, it the ensuing process of repair that is most important and the determinant of the resilience and quality of our relationship can provide substantial freedom and empowerment.

Application of Polyvagal Theory to parenting begins by accepting our physiological state, wherever it may be, as well as that of our child in the present moment.  It is important that this acknowledgement be without judgement or blame.  It is also helpful to recognize that our physiological states, as well as that of our child, can shift and change continuously in response to cues in the internal and external environment.  This makes our, and our child’s, physiological states dynamic in nature.  In addition, we can use the features of our own actions, behaviors, and physiology and that of our child as useful information to determine the current physiological state.  This is also done without criticism or judgement.  For instance, aggressive or attacking behavior should be seen as a reflection of physiological state, indicating that the individual feels under threat, rather than a conscious and deliberate decision.  Specifically, a child who has a tantrum in the grocery store is reflecting a sympathetic physiological state rather than an intent to cause commotion in the public place.  It is important to note that this understanding does not excuse poor behavior, rather it provides a useful explanation for it.

A polyvagal informed perspective to parenting will recognize that children, particularly when young, are not able to effectively and consistently self-regulate. 

Rather they rely upon their caregivers for co-regulation.  Through the process of providing cues of safety, thereby allowing for co-regulation, the child develops over time the ability to self-regulate.  In order to effectively co-regulate, it is important for the caregiver to shift their physiological state towards a ventral vagal predominant state.  This will result in the characteristic features of this physiology, thereby providing cues of safety to the child.  We are not able to project cues of safety and connection if we do not actually feel safe and connected.  It is not possible to fake this feeling.  The question then becomes, particularly in the midst of a challenging situation, for example the public tantrum, how do we shift our physiology to feel safe to be able to co-regulate.

The ability to find cues of safety in the midst of high demand and stressful situations results from two important skills.  The first is the ability to recognize without judgement our own physiological state.  The second is to employ skills and strategies that will shift our physiology in the desired direction.  For instance, during the public tantrum we may recognize that we are shifting into a sympathetic state.  Upon this identification, we can then turn to skills such as breathing, relaxation of facial muscles and posture, use of voice, relaxing our jaw, and finding cues of safety in our internal and external environment to help shift our physiology towards a ventral vagal state.  As we accomplish this, we will be able to co-regulate our child.  These skills are complex and require intentional and deliberate practice in order to develop a level of proficiency.

From the polyvagal informed perspective, it is important to remove cues of uncertainty, risk, and threat to the greatest extent possible from our child’s environment.  Of course, it is not possible to completely remove these potential cues.  For this reason it becomes important to recognize that when a child neurocepts such cues, there will be a predictable physiological shift which will then result in behaviors that can be anticipated.  Maintaining the greatest degree of consistency in parenting is important so that the child is able to predict responses and reactions.  Uncertainty can be a significant cue leading to mobilization towards sympathetic states.  In addition, consequences for behaviors should be carefully considered and chosen so as to avoid introduction of additional cues of uncertainty, risk, and threat.

Continue to follow @Parentsuitcase on Instagram and Pinterest and a special thank you to our collaborative expert content contributor Dr. Davidson MD, MHSC, FRSCS

#polyvagaltheory #positiveparenting #peacefulparenting #polyvagal #polyvagalparenting

Introduction into Polyvagal Theory

Have you ever been stuck in traffic? Has your child ever had a tantrum in public?

We have all been in these situations many times. When these circumstances occur, are there days when you respond in a calm and constructive fashion while at other times become frustrated, aggravated, or felt like giving up? Of course, we have all experienced these feelings and reactions to these situations at one time or another.

Why does this occur?

The situations are the same, or at least very similar, so why might we have such a different responses? The answer to this important question lies in the function of our nervous system. Specifically, the explanation relates to how our nervous system is continuously scanning our internal & external environment for cues of safety and cues or risk or uncertainty. While this may seem complex, an understanding of Polyvagal Theory makes this more accessible than it may appear at first.

The concepts of Polyvagal Theory are becoming more commonly discussed and encountered within all areas of life. While the more frequent discussion of this theory may be relatively recent, it was first described by Stephen Porges, PhD in the mid 1990’s. This theory is evidence-driven and describes how our nervous system, specifically the autonomic component, functions in response to the cues and stimuli we continuously encounter in our internal and external environments. The theory further explains how our nervous system uses this information to direct responses across our entire body, including our thoughts, muscle tension, posture, hearing, voice, breathing, and digestive functioning.

The basis for these widespread effects is our vagus nerve and its connections to many aspects of our physiology. The true power of this theory lies not only in its explanation of how we experience the events in our life, but through the provision of skills and strategies that we can implement to direct our physiology in ways that are most supportive of what we are trying to accomplish in a particular situation.

Polyvagal Theory is based on details of our neurophysiology which are common to all social mammals.

There are specific core principles which are important to understand in order to apply the details of the theory in our lives. These include the physiological states determined by our nervous system, the process of neuroception, the social engagement system, and the concept of our physiological state as an intervening variable. With an understanding of these concepts, it is possible to embody the principles of the theory and improve our lives as well as the lives of those around us.

The physiological states determined through Polyvagal Theory are ventral vagal, sympathetic, and dorsal vagal.

These states are evolutionarily determined with the ventral vagal state being most recent. It is important to understand the characteristics of each state in order to be able to identify our state at any given time and learn to shift our state towards that which we choose.

The ventral vagal state is one in which we are grounded and connected to ourselves and others. Our thinking tends to be more oriented towards curiosity, being open to possibilities, and optimistic. Our muscle tone is relaxed, our jaw and facial features are softened, there is range & prosody in our voice, and our posture is open. Our breathing is deeper and slower, typically in conjunction with a diaphragmatic pattern. There is increased variability in the time between our heartbeats, referred to as heart rate variability. Our heart rate is increased during inhalation and decreases during exhalation, referred to as respiratory sinus arrhythmia. This state is considered as a state of safety and connection, both to ourselves and others. It is within this state that our body is in homeostasis and is able to recover and restore itself.

The sympathetic state is the widely known as the fight or flight response. This occurs in response to a perceived risk or threat. This state is characterized by anxious, angry, or aggressive thoughts. Our muscle tension and jaw tighten. The prosody and pitch of our voice loses its fluctuation. Our posture becomes more closed. Our breathing pattern typically becomes faster, more shallow, and centered in the chest. Heart rate variability is decreased.

The dorsal vagal shutdown state is best described by the response of the body to an overwhelming threat in which we try to conserve as much resource as possible by hiding and, at the extreme, feigning death. Our muscle tone is decreased. Our facial features become flat. Our breathing slows and becomes shallow. Our thoughts are consistent with giving up and hiding.

While each of these physiological states are appropriate and adaptive in certain circumstances, we are best able to express our truest and fullest potential as well as problem solve and perform to our highest capacity in either a ventral vagal state or a blended ventral vagal-sympathetic state. Due to this, the states can be organized in a hierarchy with the ventral vagal state at the top, followed by the sympathetic state, and the dorsal vagal state. It is important to note that we both descend and ascend this hierarchy through each state. In practice, this means that in order to ascend from a dorsal vagal state, we must first reach a sympathetic state, if even only briefly, before reaching a ventral vagal state.

The next foundational principle of Polyvagal Theory is neuroception.

This is the process by which are nervous system essentially scans our internal and external environments to detect cues of either safety and connection or cues of uncertainty, risk, and threat. This process occurs continuously and beneath conscious awareness. On the basis of whether there is a preponderance of cues of safety and connection or uncertainty, risk, and threat our physiology will shift on the hierarchy. If the balance of cues is in favor of safety and connection our body moves towards a ventral vagal state. On the other hand, if the balance is towards uncertainty, risk or threat our physiology moves first towards a sympathetic state and, if there are further cues of risk and threat or the initial threat is not resolved, then into a dorsal vagal state. It is important to emphasize that neuroception occurs whether or not we choose to acknowledge the process and develop skills to shift our states towards our chosen physiology. This process occurs beneath conscious awareness and, as such, it is not our choice to shift towards sympathetic and/or dorsal vagal states and to take on the characteristics of those

states.

The next foundational principle of the theory which will be discussed is the social engagement system.

This describes the connection from our brainstem to the muscles and organs in our face and chest through various cranial nerves. Many of the characteristics of the physiological states described above specifically reference the head and neck region. The resulting changes in facial features, voice, muscle tone, posture, and breathing not only reflect and impact our own physiological state, but also provide cues to those individuals around us. Through the process of neuroception, those individuals will then determine whether or not we are providing cues of safety and connection or cues of uncertainty, risk, and threat. It is through this social engagement system that we are able to influence the physiological state of ourselves and those around us. If we truly feel safe and connected in our body, we are able to project these cues externally through the social engagement system and this will allow those around us to shift their physiology towards a ventral vagal state. This process is termed co-regulation. The ability to shift our own physiology towards a ventral vagal state is termed self-regulation. Typically, it is not possible initially for younger children to self-regulate. Rather their future ability to self-regulate is dependent upon co-regulation from their caregivers when they are young.

The final foundational aspect for consideration is the principle of physiological state as an intervening variable.

Functionally, this corresponds to the understanding that our current physiological state will influence the process of neuroception such that a particular cue may be neurocepted as a cue of safety and connection if we are in a ventral vagal state but may be neurocepted as a cue of uncertainty, risk, or even threat if we are in a sympathetic or dorsal vagal state. This principles informs our everyday experience of noticing different reactions to very similar events, such as the traffic and public tantrum examples, described above.

In response to cues of uncertainty, risk, and threat both internally and externally, we have seen how our physiology can shift towards sympathetic and dorsal vagal states. This process is not in and of itself maladaptive. Rather it is the normal, predictable, and expected response of our nervous system in response to these cues. By extension, the hallmark of a healthy, resilient, and adaptive nervous system is not the lack of dysregulation towards these states. Rather, the defining feature of resilience within our nervous system is our ability to restore stability following periods of dysregulation. In particular, it is our capacity to efficiently and effectively self-regulate.

Follow along to read more about Polyvagal Theory and Parenting in this next blog!

Blog contribution from Darin Davidson MD, MHSC, FRCSC Polyvagal Informed Coaching & Concierge Care

Follow on social media: @ParentSuitcase on Instagram and Pinterest

REFERENCES:

Dana, D. Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 Client-centered Practices. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2020.

Dana, D. Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory. Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, 2021.

Delahooke, M. Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids. New York: HarperCollins, 2022.

Porges, SW. Polyvagal Safety: Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2021.

Porges, SW. The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2011.

Porges, SW. Presidential Address, 1994. Orienting in a Defensive World: Mammalian Modifications of our Evolutionary Heritage. A Polyvagal Thoery. Psychophysiol 1995; 32: 301-318.

Single & Solo Parent Support: A collaboration with Dr. Monica Krishnan, PharmD

Are you a single / solo parent that is in need of support?

In 2021, there were approximately 15.6 million children living with a single mother in the United States, and about 3.6 million children living with a single father.* It’s clear that single & solo parent households are becoming more prevalent in this country—- why are we not adapting socially to meet the needs of these seismic household shifts?

Today I am collaborating with Dr. Monica Krishnan, PharmD who is one of my favorite collaborators from Instagram. I’ve collaborated with Dr. Monica in the past on “the invisible workload performed by pharmacy staff” which emphasizes the often unseen labor pharmacy staff perform on a routine basis. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts and blogs, burnout is a hot topic but it’s not a trend. In order to attack it from multiple angles, we (the burnout specialists) have to highlight & define the “invisible” workload and gaps in resources / support to make any sort of enduring, substantial changes.

Dr. Monica, a solo parent, had some thoughts on her own experience that she wanted to share with Parent Suitcase.

“Solo parenting is not easy as it comes with many challenges. It also comes with a beautiful opportunity to grow as a person, and over time I have learned that I am the perfect parent for my two beautiful daughters. Remind yourself by looking in the mirror and say out loud you are a rockstar and you are doing the best you can! Remember you are doing twice the work so pat yourself on the back daily!”- Dr. Monica

The United States has the world’s highest rate of single parent households and they are less likely to live with extended family**. How can we as a community maximize the resources that single & solo parents have while also advocating for additional resources to be readily available in both work & home atmospheres? Here are our Top 8 tools & tips following by some valuable links to other single & solo parent resources….

1) Build your support system/ community: Who provides you external support? You community may be comprised of local friends, family members, parent groups, mentors, etc. When you are cultivating your own social safety net, take into consideration level of trust, reliability, and parental competitiveness. The goal is to feel secure in your exchanges vs. competing for the “Best Parent Award”. I have shared some other in-depth information on how you can do this in previous posts on Parent Suitcase

2) Ask for help - don’t be afraid to ask for support, you deserve help: Support comes in many forms- mental health support, physical support, household task support, etc. Solo parents bear a massive responsibility to their families; for many single & solo parents, working part-time / full-time / double shifts to remain (or achieve) financial security is a reality. Address household tasks in an age-appropriate manner and create a flexible household action plan so that the lion’s share of the workload doesn’t fall onto one person’s shoulders. For mental health support, seek out health-related advice from your healthcare team if you are feeling like you need some additional professional guidance.

3) Developing a mindfulness practice: This one came highly recommended by Dr. Monica as a solo parent working frontline in the midst of a pändem1c. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, the 7 Key Attitudes of Mindfulness are: not-judging, patience, holding a beginner’s mind / open & curious, trust, not striving / present moment focus, acceptance, and letting go.*** We both love Dr. Gandhi and her sessions on IGLive and IGTV: Ruminations on Gratitude

4) Self-care essentials: Dr. Monica’s Self Care Tool Box: exercise, therapy, meditation, nature walks, scheduling joy, listening to inspirational podcasts, maintaining a gratitude practice (Dr. Gandhi’s practice), finding your tribe of women, or trying a new hobby.

5) Build a network with other parents for additional support: setting up a reliable carpooling schedule / backup transportation, offering occasional backup sitter care, opportunities for social connection.

6) Schedule “me time“ daily: even if it’s 5-15 min/day! Self-investment is a key component in maintaining overall optimal health & wellbeing. Whether you decide that those 5-15 minutes are spent on nothingness or they are best spent painting, use that opportunity to give back to yourself. Before you became a parent, you had hobbies, interests, and needs that needed to be met. As a parent, the same applies, even if it takes some sifting through weighted layers of responsibilities and never-ending, scrolling daily task lists.

7) Feel all your emotions- some days are harder than others! That “not-judging” attitude that Kabat-Zinn mentioned…

8) Seek mental health supported if needed: I mention this EVERYWHERE and Dr. Monica stands firm on this, too. If you are feeling too overwhelmed or need some additional coping strategies to manage your daily life, there is no shame in seeking out additional mental health support. There are so many providers that are championing this now on social media- mental health is a component of our overall health and both are uniquely intertwined.

And now for some additional single & solo parent resources:

Single Parent Advocate: visit their website to see how single families can find healing and hope
The Single Parent Project: dedicated to providing financial relief and other resources
A Single Mother: Grants for Single Moms: a collection of all grants available to U.S. single moms and other resources
Single Mother Guide: a breakdown of grants and their amounts by state and living situation
Parents Without Partners: single parent support group for all single parents & their children

Without ample support systems in place, single & solo parenthood can feel overwhelming. “Special stress for single parents often arises from a critical economic situation, little social support and the increased demands arising from the child’s sole care and upbringing. Also, single parents more often fear that they have too little time for their children and their education.”****

Gather your practical resources here and share your own favorites below with us! We are so grateful that you are spending your valuable time reading this collaborative blog and can’t wait to hear from you.

Follow @parentsuitcase and @drmonicapharmd for more content that can help you live a more supported, resourced life. Join us on our platforms as we provide practical, real world resources and support for all families and stay tuned for more on this topic!

Request a “Parent Suitcase” topic by DM here!

Sources:

*https://www.statista.com/statistics/252847/number-of-children-living-with-a-single-mother-or-single-father/

**https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent/

***https://www.sc.edu/about/offices_and_divisions/housing/documents/resiliencyproject/7keyattitudesofmindfulness.pdf

****Sartor, T., Lange, S., & Tröster, H. (2022). Cumulative Stress of Single Mothers - An Exploration of Potential Risk Factors. *The Family Journal*, *0*(0).

Disclaimer: The information on this platform is not intended or implied to be a substitute for personal professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All platform content including text, graphics, images, and information is for general information purposes only & does not replace clinical consultation with your own doctor/mental health professional.

The Importance of Community: Part II

Would you consider a disrupted support system to be a risk factor for postpartum depression?

One of the (many) reasons why community support for parents is so vital…MENTAL WELL-BEING!

In an ideal (frankly realistic!) world, postpartum parents would receive additional external support & extended time off granted for postpartum recovery following the birth of their child(ren). Over the past 2.5 years, support systems have drastically shape-shifted to navigate unpredictable circumstances due to CV-19, leaving many without reliable backup newborn support / childcare, household support, local support, etc.

We have all read & seen statistics on both postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety covered on social media. According to various bodies of research, anywhere from 1 in 7-10 women will experience postpartum depression following birth.(1) It’s also been estimated that approximately 50% of mothers with postpartum depression are not diagnosed by a healthcare professional. (1)

Whether your friend, neighbor, or a beloved family member has postpartum depression OR is exhibiting a change in mood or behavior, one of the most important things to do during that period of time is to demonstrate support, encouragement, and to be nonjudgmental. It can be very difficult for people to reach out if they feel like they are being judged either silently or outright.

What are some of my favorite resources for parents who are struggling to find community and / or may be looking fo additional therapeutic support?

Here are 5 resources to utilize if you or someone you know needs additional support as a postpartum parent:

1. Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net

   PSI HelpLine: 1-800-944-4773 #1 En Español or #2 English

   Text “Help” to 800-944-4773 (EN), text en Español: 971-203-7773

2. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: if you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org

3. National Alliance on Mental Illness: https://www.nami.org/help

   NAMI HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. – 10 p.m., ET.
   Call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email us at helpline@nami.org

4. Perinatal Support Washington: https://perinatalsupport.org

   Need help? Call or text our toll free peer support line (se habla español).

   1-888-404-7763

5. The Family Help Line: http://www.parenttrust.org/for-families/call-fhl/ Call: 1-800-932-HOPE (4673) in Washington State
   

It’s not just therapy that is the answer here. It’s adequate resourcing, accessibility, equity, and feeling like you are DESERVING of support.
If you or someone you care about is experiencing concerning symptoms, please connect with a licensed mental health professional or healthcare professional to discuss in more detail.

Follow @Parentsuitcase on Instagram and Pinterest

Disclaimer: The information on this platform is not intended or implied to be a substitute for personal professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All Parent Suitcase website & Parent Suitcase social media platform content including text, graphics, images, and information is for general information purposes only & does not replace clinical consultation with your own doctor/mental health professional.

Sources:

1. https://www.postpartumdepression.org/resources/statistics/