About to Have a Parent Tantrum? Polyvagal-informed practices to help.

Another scenario common to all parents is the feeling of an impending or the presence of an actual parent tantrum.

We have all been there. We become so frustrated, so aggravated with whatever the current situation may be that we become angry, we may raise our voice, we may say or think things we would otherwise never contemplate. In essence, this is the parent equivalent of the classic toddler temper tantrum. How do we manage such a situation?

First, it is important to always remember that we are all human. Our physiology all works the same way. No matter how good our intentions, or how much we practice skills and strategies to manage our physiology, we are still human. As humans, we will not always get things right, we will not always show up or respond the way we would like and we may have reactions, even tantrums, that do not reflect our true nature or desires. This recognition is a component of the non-judgmental acknowledgement of our physiological state.

The first step in managing a parent tantrum, like with all situations, is the acknowledgement of the current physiological state without judgment or criticism. It is important to recall that our response to internal and external cues occurs, via neuroception, beneath conscious awareness and is not deliberately decided. As such, we did not choose to react to a given internal or external cue in a fashion that led to the tantrum. This does not reflect our intentions, values, or how we would like to respond to the stimulus. This is an unconscious reaction mediated by our nervous system.

While the manner in which we neurocept a given stimulus is not under our control, what happens next can be better controlled. If we are able, through training our nervous system, to rapidly identify the shift in our physiology, we are then able to implement the appropriate skills to shift our physiology towards the desired state. Using this concept, we can illustrate the process for the parent tantrum. In response to a particular internal or external stimulus, we have neurocepted a cue of uncertainly, risk, or threat. The resulting physiological response is a shift towards a sympathetic state. The nature and characteristics of a tantrum correspond very closely to this physiological state.

Following identification of the present sympathetic state, we can then implement our skills and strategies to shift our state towards a ventral vagal state through breathing, thinking, relaxing muscle tone, opening posture, and use of our voice. It is important to note that developing a wide array of skills and strategies is ideal as the preferred skill or strategy may vary at different times or under changing circumstances.

In order to provide the greatest opportunity for success in managing our physiology, it is therefore preferable to have many different tools in our proverbial toolbox. As with the case of shifting away from a dorsal vagal state, each successive instance in which we are able to modify our physiology in response to stimuli strengthens our ability to not only do so in the future but also to tolerate increased levels of stress without associated unwanted shifts in our physiology.

As can be appreciated from the above description, there is substantial empowerment available through embodiment of the skills and strategies based upon Polyvagal Theory.

By understanding our physiology and training the ability to manage our physiological state, we are better positioned to be at our best for ourselves and those around us. This approach respects and works with our physiology and does not attempt to overcome or override it. In so doing, we are best able to express our fullest potential in alignment with what we find most important and value most.

REFERENCES

Dana, D. Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 Client-centered Practices. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2020.

Dana, D. Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory. Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, 2021.

Delahooke, M. Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids. New York: HarperCollins, 2022.

Porges, SW. Polyvagal Safety: Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2021.

Porges, SW. The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2011.

Porges, SW. Presidential Address, 1994. Orienting in a Defensive World: Mammalian Modifications of our Evolutionary Heritage. A Polyvagal Thoery. Psychophysiol 1995; 32: 301-318.

A special thank you to Dr. Darin Davidson MD for his collaborative interview on Polyvagal Informed Practices.

Nervous System Regulation & Parent Health: Part 1 of 2

Developing the ability to regulate our nervous system is crucial to promote our health, wellbeing, and be at our best in any role in life, particularly parenting. 

Recovery and restoration are essential processes in the promotion of health and wellbeing.  Ventral vagal activation is necessary in order for this to occur.  In addition, a relative lack of ventral vagal tone and increased and chronic sympathetic and dorsal vagal activation have been associated with several physical and mental health conditions, including cardiovascular ailments, impaired immune function, chronic inflammation, anxiety, and depression.

In order to best maintain and enhance our health, an intentional recovery routine is important. 

This includes mindset training, sufficient quantity and duration of sleep, adequate nutrition and hydration, and physical activity.  While it can be challenging, if not impossible, to fully prioritize each of these elements, particularly with young children, it is important to optimize each to the extent possible.  These elements each function to promote ventral vagal activation leading, at least in part, to recovery and restoration.  When multiple of these factors can be combined, the effect is greater than the sum of its parts.  Another important consideration is specific training of mind-based and body-based skills to promote vagal efficiency, thereby further improving ventral vagal activation.

This process is proactive in nature and is at its greatest positive impact when integrated within a daily routine. 

In doing so we not only benefit from the regular effects of ventral vagal activation but also increase our ability to access these strategies and their effects when most in need, specifically during high stakes situations.  In order to best be able to be of service to others, our own health and wellbeing must be optimized.  This is a necessary factor in being the best version of ourselves in any, and all, situations.

Follow this blog for Part 2 on Nervous System Regulation & Parent Health! Visit @parentsuitcase on Instagram and Pinterest! Thank you to our collaborator, Dr. Darin Davidson MD MD, MHSC, FRCSC on this topic. Dr Davidson is a Polyvagal-Informed Coach and Concierge Care Physician who works with professionals both virtually and in-person.

REFERENCES

Dana, D.  Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 Client-centered Practices.  New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2020.

Dana, D.  Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory.  Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, 2021.

Delahooke, M.  Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids.  New York: HarperCollins, 2022.

Porges, SW.  Polyvagal Safety: Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation.  New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2021.

Porges, SW.  The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation.  New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2011.

Porges, SW.  Presidential Address, 1994.  Orienting in a Defensive World: Mammalian Modifications of our Evolutionary Heritage.  A Polyvagal Thoery.  Psychophysiol 1995; 32: 301-318.

Polyvagal Informed Parenting

Applying the principles of Polyvagal Theory to parenting is substantially beneficial and empowering. 

The basis for this is that since Polyvagal Theory explains how our physiology responds in response to internal and external cues and stimuli, by embodying this understanding and the related principles in any domain of life, including parenting, we are able to work with our physiology.  As described above, whether or not we choose to acknowledge and understand these processes, they are continuously occurring.  By not embodying these principles we are, effectively, taking the chance that we may react or respond in a skillful and effective fashion.  In contrast, by fully embracing and implementing the polyvagal informed skills and strategies, we provide ourselves the greatest likelihood for performing in our role as humans and parents in the best possible fashion.  In addition these principles apply equally to those around us, including our children.  Recognizing and working with their physiology provides the best opportunity to develop connection with our children and optimize our ability to co-regulate them.

In addition to applying the polyvagal informed practices to ourselves, there are additional considerations in applying these skills and strategies to our parenting. It is important to recognize that just as the resilience of our nervous system is not determined by a lack of dysregulation, the relationships we have, including with our children, is not defined by a lack of conflict or rupture.  Rather, our relationships are better evaluated on the ability to rapidly and effectively repair any ruptures or conflicts which arise.  As we are all human, we will not always respond, react, and behave in the fashion we hope to.  There will be instances, including in our parenting, where we will behave suboptimally.  The recognition that, firstly, we are human and this is not abnormal or unexpected in combination with the acknowledgement that when this occurs, it the ensuing process of repair that is most important and the determinant of the resilience and quality of our relationship can provide substantial freedom and empowerment.

Application of Polyvagal Theory to parenting begins by accepting our physiological state, wherever it may be, as well as that of our child in the present moment.  It is important that this acknowledgement be without judgement or blame.  It is also helpful to recognize that our physiological states, as well as that of our child, can shift and change continuously in response to cues in the internal and external environment.  This makes our, and our child’s, physiological states dynamic in nature.  In addition, we can use the features of our own actions, behaviors, and physiology and that of our child as useful information to determine the current physiological state.  This is also done without criticism or judgement.  For instance, aggressive or attacking behavior should be seen as a reflection of physiological state, indicating that the individual feels under threat, rather than a conscious and deliberate decision.  Specifically, a child who has a tantrum in the grocery store is reflecting a sympathetic physiological state rather than an intent to cause commotion in the public place.  It is important to note that this understanding does not excuse poor behavior, rather it provides a useful explanation for it.

A polyvagal informed perspective to parenting will recognize that children, particularly when young, are not able to effectively and consistently self-regulate. 

Rather they rely upon their caregivers for co-regulation.  Through the process of providing cues of safety, thereby allowing for co-regulation, the child develops over time the ability to self-regulate.  In order to effectively co-regulate, it is important for the caregiver to shift their physiological state towards a ventral vagal predominant state.  This will result in the characteristic features of this physiology, thereby providing cues of safety to the child.  We are not able to project cues of safety and connection if we do not actually feel safe and connected.  It is not possible to fake this feeling.  The question then becomes, particularly in the midst of a challenging situation, for example the public tantrum, how do we shift our physiology to feel safe to be able to co-regulate.

The ability to find cues of safety in the midst of high demand and stressful situations results from two important skills.  The first is the ability to recognize without judgement our own physiological state.  The second is to employ skills and strategies that will shift our physiology in the desired direction.  For instance, during the public tantrum we may recognize that we are shifting into a sympathetic state.  Upon this identification, we can then turn to skills such as breathing, relaxation of facial muscles and posture, use of voice, relaxing our jaw, and finding cues of safety in our internal and external environment to help shift our physiology towards a ventral vagal state.  As we accomplish this, we will be able to co-regulate our child.  These skills are complex and require intentional and deliberate practice in order to develop a level of proficiency.

From the polyvagal informed perspective, it is important to remove cues of uncertainty, risk, and threat to the greatest extent possible from our child’s environment.  Of course, it is not possible to completely remove these potential cues.  For this reason it becomes important to recognize that when a child neurocepts such cues, there will be a predictable physiological shift which will then result in behaviors that can be anticipated.  Maintaining the greatest degree of consistency in parenting is important so that the child is able to predict responses and reactions.  Uncertainty can be a significant cue leading to mobilization towards sympathetic states.  In addition, consequences for behaviors should be carefully considered and chosen so as to avoid introduction of additional cues of uncertainty, risk, and threat.

Continue to follow @Parentsuitcase on Instagram and Pinterest and a special thank you to our collaborative expert content contributor Dr. Davidson MD, MHSC, FRSCS

#polyvagaltheory #positiveparenting #peacefulparenting #polyvagal #polyvagalparenting

Introduction into Polyvagal Theory

Have you ever been stuck in traffic? Has your child ever had a tantrum in public?

We have all been in these situations many times. When these circumstances occur, are there days when you respond in a calm and constructive fashion while at other times become frustrated, aggravated, or felt like giving up? Of course, we have all experienced these feelings and reactions to these situations at one time or another.

Why does this occur?

The situations are the same, or at least very similar, so why might we have such a different responses? The answer to this important question lies in the function of our nervous system. Specifically, the explanation relates to how our nervous system is continuously scanning our internal & external environment for cues of safety and cues or risk or uncertainty. While this may seem complex, an understanding of Polyvagal Theory makes this more accessible than it may appear at first.

The concepts of Polyvagal Theory are becoming more commonly discussed and encountered within all areas of life. While the more frequent discussion of this theory may be relatively recent, it was first described by Stephen Porges, PhD in the mid 1990’s. This theory is evidence-driven and describes how our nervous system, specifically the autonomic component, functions in response to the cues and stimuli we continuously encounter in our internal and external environments. The theory further explains how our nervous system uses this information to direct responses across our entire body, including our thoughts, muscle tension, posture, hearing, voice, breathing, and digestive functioning.

The basis for these widespread effects is our vagus nerve and its connections to many aspects of our physiology. The true power of this theory lies not only in its explanation of how we experience the events in our life, but through the provision of skills and strategies that we can implement to direct our physiology in ways that are most supportive of what we are trying to accomplish in a particular situation.

Polyvagal Theory is based on details of our neurophysiology which are common to all social mammals.

There are specific core principles which are important to understand in order to apply the details of the theory in our lives. These include the physiological states determined by our nervous system, the process of neuroception, the social engagement system, and the concept of our physiological state as an intervening variable. With an understanding of these concepts, it is possible to embody the principles of the theory and improve our lives as well as the lives of those around us.

The physiological states determined through Polyvagal Theory are ventral vagal, sympathetic, and dorsal vagal.

These states are evolutionarily determined with the ventral vagal state being most recent. It is important to understand the characteristics of each state in order to be able to identify our state at any given time and learn to shift our state towards that which we choose.

The ventral vagal state is one in which we are grounded and connected to ourselves and others. Our thinking tends to be more oriented towards curiosity, being open to possibilities, and optimistic. Our muscle tone is relaxed, our jaw and facial features are softened, there is range & prosody in our voice, and our posture is open. Our breathing is deeper and slower, typically in conjunction with a diaphragmatic pattern. There is increased variability in the time between our heartbeats, referred to as heart rate variability. Our heart rate is increased during inhalation and decreases during exhalation, referred to as respiratory sinus arrhythmia. This state is considered as a state of safety and connection, both to ourselves and others. It is within this state that our body is in homeostasis and is able to recover and restore itself.

The sympathetic state is the widely known as the fight or flight response. This occurs in response to a perceived risk or threat. This state is characterized by anxious, angry, or aggressive thoughts. Our muscle tension and jaw tighten. The prosody and pitch of our voice loses its fluctuation. Our posture becomes more closed. Our breathing pattern typically becomes faster, more shallow, and centered in the chest. Heart rate variability is decreased.

The dorsal vagal shutdown state is best described by the response of the body to an overwhelming threat in which we try to conserve as much resource as possible by hiding and, at the extreme, feigning death. Our muscle tone is decreased. Our facial features become flat. Our breathing slows and becomes shallow. Our thoughts are consistent with giving up and hiding.

While each of these physiological states are appropriate and adaptive in certain circumstances, we are best able to express our truest and fullest potential as well as problem solve and perform to our highest capacity in either a ventral vagal state or a blended ventral vagal-sympathetic state. Due to this, the states can be organized in a hierarchy with the ventral vagal state at the top, followed by the sympathetic state, and the dorsal vagal state. It is important to note that we both descend and ascend this hierarchy through each state. In practice, this means that in order to ascend from a dorsal vagal state, we must first reach a sympathetic state, if even only briefly, before reaching a ventral vagal state.

The next foundational principle of Polyvagal Theory is neuroception.

This is the process by which are nervous system essentially scans our internal and external environments to detect cues of either safety and connection or cues of uncertainty, risk, and threat. This process occurs continuously and beneath conscious awareness. On the basis of whether there is a preponderance of cues of safety and connection or uncertainty, risk, and threat our physiology will shift on the hierarchy. If the balance of cues is in favor of safety and connection our body moves towards a ventral vagal state. On the other hand, if the balance is towards uncertainty, risk or threat our physiology moves first towards a sympathetic state and, if there are further cues of risk and threat or the initial threat is not resolved, then into a dorsal vagal state. It is important to emphasize that neuroception occurs whether or not we choose to acknowledge the process and develop skills to shift our states towards our chosen physiology. This process occurs beneath conscious awareness and, as such, it is not our choice to shift towards sympathetic and/or dorsal vagal states and to take on the characteristics of those

states.

The next foundational principle of the theory which will be discussed is the social engagement system.

This describes the connection from our brainstem to the muscles and organs in our face and chest through various cranial nerves. Many of the characteristics of the physiological states described above specifically reference the head and neck region. The resulting changes in facial features, voice, muscle tone, posture, and breathing not only reflect and impact our own physiological state, but also provide cues to those individuals around us. Through the process of neuroception, those individuals will then determine whether or not we are providing cues of safety and connection or cues of uncertainty, risk, and threat. It is through this social engagement system that we are able to influence the physiological state of ourselves and those around us. If we truly feel safe and connected in our body, we are able to project these cues externally through the social engagement system and this will allow those around us to shift their physiology towards a ventral vagal state. This process is termed co-regulation. The ability to shift our own physiology towards a ventral vagal state is termed self-regulation. Typically, it is not possible initially for younger children to self-regulate. Rather their future ability to self-regulate is dependent upon co-regulation from their caregivers when they are young.

The final foundational aspect for consideration is the principle of physiological state as an intervening variable.

Functionally, this corresponds to the understanding that our current physiological state will influence the process of neuroception such that a particular cue may be neurocepted as a cue of safety and connection if we are in a ventral vagal state but may be neurocepted as a cue of uncertainty, risk, or even threat if we are in a sympathetic or dorsal vagal state. This principles informs our everyday experience of noticing different reactions to very similar events, such as the traffic and public tantrum examples, described above.

In response to cues of uncertainty, risk, and threat both internally and externally, we have seen how our physiology can shift towards sympathetic and dorsal vagal states. This process is not in and of itself maladaptive. Rather it is the normal, predictable, and expected response of our nervous system in response to these cues. By extension, the hallmark of a healthy, resilient, and adaptive nervous system is not the lack of dysregulation towards these states. Rather, the defining feature of resilience within our nervous system is our ability to restore stability following periods of dysregulation. In particular, it is our capacity to efficiently and effectively self-regulate.

Follow along to read more about Polyvagal Theory and Parenting in this next blog!

Blog contribution from Darin Davidson MD, MHSC, FRCSC Polyvagal Informed Coaching & Concierge Care

Follow on social media: @ParentSuitcase on Instagram and Pinterest

REFERENCES:

Dana, D. Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 Client-centered Practices. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2020.

Dana, D. Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory. Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, 2021.

Delahooke, M. Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids. New York: HarperCollins, 2022.

Porges, SW. Polyvagal Safety: Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2021.

Porges, SW. The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2011.

Porges, SW. Presidential Address, 1994. Orienting in a Defensive World: Mammalian Modifications of our Evolutionary Heritage. A Polyvagal Thoery. Psychophysiol 1995; 32: 301-318.

Parental Health & Human Giver Syndrome

Human giver syndrome is gaining more traction in conversation, particularly in 2022 as we are seeing & hearing more about parental burnout.

Dr. Emily Nagoski & Amelia Nagoski D.M.A., the authors of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle discuss the characteristics and the (very) often unseen / overlooked / undervalued workload of human givers, those who “have a moral obligation / duty to give their full humanity”* to others without asking for anything in return.

“They have a duty. To give everything they have- their time, their attention, their patience, their love, their rest, their bodies, their hopes and dreams, their very lives sometimes, sacrificed on the altar of other humans' comfort and convenience.”*

Who does this sound like to you?

For the sake of Parent Suitcase’s focus, I will talk about the unsung work of parents as “human givers”. These are individuals that tend to the physical and emotional needs of others and often overlook / neglect their own needs. Over the past (almost) 3 years now, parents have been self-sacrificing to bridge  the gaps of frequent school cancellations, daycare closures, layoffs with mounting workloads, and so forth. We are the glue that holds it all together, and there is only so much glue in the bottle before it runs out.

As mentioned in Episode 3, Human Giver Syndrome from Feminist Survival Project 2020 Podcast, “this is why so many of the typical aphorisms around self care do not help a human giver, like, “you can't pour from an empty cup.”… Telling a human giver to practice self-care can prick like an insult- it’s not that they don’t WANT the self-care time, it’s simply that they don’t have it or don’t have the physical / mental bandwidth to perform it. Human givers are altruistically generous of their time, personal energy, and their undivided attention. This type of exhaustive dedication frequently comes at a cost.

Human givers feel an obligation to help others heal, and there is this unspoken external cultural pressure that women are the ones that should be providing the healing. We should be generous, benevolent, calm, omnipresent, always the “yes” person. We feel obligated and dutiful all while we are fraying at the seams.

So what’s the flip side of the coin? Those on the receiving end of the giving. A few considerations to peel back:

1. Are they aware of this resource-imbalanced relationship?

2. Is entitlement a part of the equation? A lack of personal boundaries? A combination?

3. Who else can participate?

4. Who’s looking out for you? At the core, is this a household issue, a work issue, a parenting issue?

5. How can you disentangle yourself from this? What is at the core of this obligation? (This may be a good question to explore with a mental health professional, if and when necessary).

6. What signals is your body giving you? Are you in a partnership with a fellow giver? Or are you in a partnership with a receiver? Someone else’s cup is being filled right now; this particular self-exploration can be particularly enlightening if you haven’t previously considered that one person is solely benefiting and the other (the giver) is running on fumes.

7. What brings you joy? What would it take for you to experience that on a more regular basis?

8. Rest is often not celebrated and is seen as a futile action. We have to change our relationship as a society with rest and welcome it as a widely accepted and necessary activity.

   The droning on of hustle culture is pervasive and a massive concern in the United States. Allow me to briefly digress here to make a point:

“A poll conducted around the globe in 11 countries (Australia, New Zealand, China, India, Japan, France, Germany, the United Kingdom, Canada, Brazil and the United States) via Microsoft WorkLab surveyed 20,000 people and “analyzed trillions of Microsoft 365 productivity signals, along with LinkedIn labor trends and Glint People Science findings” revealed some startling but not-so-surprising results: nearly 50% of employees and 53% of managers stated they were burned out at work.”

What is their proposed solution?

1. End productivity paranoia

2. Embrace the fact that people come in for each other (referring to social connectedness)

3. Re-recruit your employees- energize and inspire the employees you already have! The topic of occupational burnout will definitely be covered on this blog in the future.

We know that occupational burnout is a public health concern and there certainly is some overlap: lack of resources, particularly coupled with increased demands on the person experiencing burnout. We also know that although this is a societal issue and we are not the only ones “responsible” for preventing or treating our own burnout, we can recalibrate some things within our own control to be more self-protective.

Circling back to human giver syndrome….

What can we do to counteract the impact and effects of human giver syndrome if we, as parents, are seeing ourselves in these descriptions? We can walk through the previous 8 considerations above. We can create more protective personal boundaries around our own physical energy reserves, personal time, and mental bandwidth.

I wanted to end with a quote from Amelia Nagoski: “Because the cure for Burnout is not self care. It's all of us taking care of each other.”

Take good care (of one another),

-Shelley @ParentSuitcase

Join the community at @parentsuitcase as we explore some tough-to-talk-about topics in parental health. Follow my blog at parentsuitcase.com

#humangiversyndrome #humangiver #caregiver #caregiving #caregivers #parentalburnout #burnout

Source: Episode 3, Human Giver Syndrome from Feminist Survival Project 2020.

Disclaimer: The information on Parent Suitcase’s platform is not intended or implied to be a substitute for personal professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All platform content including text, graphics, images, and information is for general information purposes only & does not replace clinical consultation with your own doctor/mental health professional.

Parenting & Childhood Illness Prevention

I read an article this morning from WSJ about the the current viral surge that has parents, providers, children, and schools scrambling for solutions. What are some of the various concerns that parents are reporting:

• Lack of paid time off / flexibility to take off for family illness; roughly 104,000 Americans missed work due to child care issues in October, the highest number on record by the Bureau of Labor Statistics since 1994.*

• Lack of backup care

• Concerns about COVID-19

• Missing out on in-person school instruction

Parents have experienced their ample share of challenges and work cancellations over the past 2-3 years as a result of the pandemic. Not only are parents navigating school safety concerns, they are also doing their best to optimize family wellbeing by adopting preventive health measures to ensure that all family members are as healthy as possible. As parents who are already dealing with significant family / work / household stressors, what precautions can we take to help mitigate & prevent the spread of illnesses?

Practicing hand hygiene skills with frequent handwashing at home: 

According to CDC, keeping hands clean with handwashing can help to prevent 1 in 3 diarrheal illnesses and 1 in 5 respiratory illnesses.**

Here are some key opportunities to wash hands**: 

1. Before & after food preparation and eating

2. Washing before & after caring for a friend / loved one that is ill

3. Before & after wound care- cuts, scrapes, or other more involved wound care.

4. After using the restroom and / or changing a soiled diaper

5. After blowing your nose, coughing, or sneezing- this is a great habit to cultivate at home in order to strengthen that practice at school.

6. After touching animals, handling pet food, or animal excrement

7. After handling garbage and waste materials

I have been reading a lot of articles and social media posts on respiratory illnesses lately, in particular respiratory syncytial virus (RSV). RSV typically circulates during colder months and into early spring. Here in the U.S., roughly 58,000-80,000 kiddos <5yr old are hospitalized to due RSV.*** In infants & young kiddos, the following categories are considered higher risk for severe illness from RSV:***

-Infants, especially those <6 months of age, kiddos born prematurely.
-Children <2 years old with chronic lung disease (like asthma), congenital heart conditions
-Children with weakened immune systems
-Children with neuromuscular conditions: the weakened respiratory muscles can make it difficult to clear mucus

Similar to the prevention tips above, practicing optimal hand hygiene plays a big role in mitigating the spread along with staying home when feeling sick, covering coughs / sneezes (along with subsequent handwashing), abstaining from smoking around children, avoiding utensil & cup sharing, etc. RSV can live on outside of the body for several hours, therefore keeping high-contact surfaces clean (i.e. doorknobs, toys, countertops, appliance handles, etc.) can help to decrease viral contamination.

What else contributes to overall optimal health? SLEEP!

Optimizing our sleep hygiene- sleep is a crucial part of our own wellbeing and overall function. Children and adolescents who lack enough sleep are at higher risk for obesity, type 2 diabetes, poor mental health and attention/ behavioral issues.** It can also impact their academic performance due to lack of attention. ‍

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends the following: 

Children ages 6–12 years: 9 - 12 hours per 24 hours

For 13–18 years of age: 8 - 10 hours per 24 hours

What else can we do to optimize our sleep health? Avoiding blue light exposure before bed- everyone has different opinions on the specific amount of time before bed (I personally try to avoid it at least 1 hour before bedtime). Keep you room cool, dark, and quiet like a cave- this is something I learned from Dr. Shelby Harris on Instagram. Some other things we can do before bedtime: read a paperback book, avoid alcohol at least 4 hours before bed, and avoid caffeine roughly 6 hours before bedtime.

‍Staying up-to-date with preventive health measures as advised by your healthcare team. If you have any specific questions on vaccines, please connect with your healthcare team to discuss. If you want more information on immunization schedules per CDC, check out: https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/schedules/

Eating nutrient-dense foods and healthy options as much as possible. During high holiday season, a lot of our celebrations & gatherings include meal preparation, leftovers, and (most likely) LOTS of sweet treats and desserts. I am not a nutritionist, but I do know that balance is key! Here are some ways to eat healthy while also on a budget: 

Batch you meals and plan your recipes based on seasonal ingredients, budget, and availability. What can you buy that is local, easy to store, and cost-effective? Be creative when making your own recipes and keep it simple. One of my favorite places to search for recipes is Epicurious.

Look at labels: do you notice any words or preservatives that you are unfamiliar with? You can do some investigating and look them up online by searching for reputable sources. You'd be surprised at how many prepared foods & condiments have unfamiliar preservatives, gums, and additives.

Limit added sugars when possible- what other options can you add for sweetness? Berries and other fruits are great alternatives.

Think about fiber intake! Fiber is so important for digestive / bowel health. What can you integrate into family meals? Consider beans, grains (like bulgur, barley, and oat bran), broccoli, carrots, green peas, apples, etc. There are lots of healthy options!

Maintaining some sort of physical activity on a routine basis: (before doing any exercises, please consult your healthcare team to determine what is safe, effective, and advised for you!)

Personally, I prefer to diversify my physical activity in order to keep it fun and the variety allows me to target different muscles groups. Here are some of my favorite exercise activities along with a brief summary of what they entail: 

HIIT workouts: this exercise is a form of interval training which involves quick bursts of high-intensity exercise with intermittent intervals of rest / lower intensity exercise. I tend to integrate at least 5-15 minutes of HIIT exercise into my cardio routines.

Kettlebell workouts: this piece of equipment looks like a bell and varies in heaviness. Integrating kettlebell exercises into your workouts can help to strengthen your core, increase overall strength, and increase power endurance.

Barre workouts: a great way to improve posture and alignment, lean & tone muscles, and to improve balance. This is one of my absolute favorites and it's an exercise routine that I find truly humbling! Barre classes are generally lower dumbbell weights and higher repetitions.

Treadmill: a great one for cardiac health and pretty self-explanatory. You can walk, increase the incline to boost your heart rate, or can vary the speed and intensity as you prefer. I’ve seen a lot of social media posts on the “12-3-30” Walking Treadmill Routine which is described as an effective way to strengthen muscles as well as providing cardiovascular health benefits. As a reminder: before starting any workout, it is important to consult your healthcare provider to see what routines are best suited for you.

Rowing machine: total body workout that also allows you some time to practice meditation as it is (or can be) a repetitive motion activity. If you are looking to obtain a full body workout, it's a nice alternative to using a treadmill or an elliptical and it's great for all fitness levels.

Limiting snack sharing / sharing of drinks if and when possible. 

This can be a tricky one for kids! In order to reduce the spread of illnesses, try to be mindful of snack sharing and discuss the rationale for doing so at home. As mentioned above, continuing to practice regular hand hygiene also helps to mitigate the spread of illnesses.

Staying home when we are sick

This is a BIG one. I know that it can be difficult to miss a work day if either you or your child(ren) is sick. In order to prevent illnesses from spreading, it's important to maintain good hand hygiene and to stay home when you are not feeling well. Check with your employer about their sick leave policies and flexible work options in the event of personal / family illness. CDC has some great resources on how to handle Influenza as an Employee

We can also practice some stress reduction measures in order to keep our stress levels low (which can also benefit our immune systems). This practice looks different for everyone!  

What other ways can you think of to prevent the spread of illnesses?

Follow Parent Suitcase: Your resource hub for parental wellbeing, parent advocacy, and resources for parents & families. You can find more resources at Parentsuitcase.com and also on @parentsuitcase on IG and Pinterest

All sources are linked & referenced above in order:

https://www.wsj.com/articles/how-sick-is-too-sick-for-school-rsv-flu-and-colds-strain-parents-and-school-nurses-11668999005

https://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/

https://www.cdc.gov/rsv/references.html#factsheet

https://www.cdc.gov/rsv/downloads/RSV-in-Infants-and-Young-Children.pdf

https://www.cdc.gov/flu/prevent/vaccinations.htm

https://www.cdc.gov/diabetes/healthy-eating-budget.html

https://www.prevention.com/fitness/workouts/a39584587/12-3-30-workout/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_pre_md_pmx_us_urlx&gclid=CjwKCAiAmuKbBhA2EiwAxQnt70mNPFAKgPJzzD5WRDCBgCcCUl9pSCiZJa-ALu74upSA7c8UoeNf-RoCl3gQAvD_BwE

https://www.cdc.gov/flu/business/stay-home-when-sick.htm

#childhoodillness #familyhealth #familywellness #healthykid #healthyparents #healthykidscommunity #healthyparenting #parentalburnout #childillness #parenthealth #burnout 

Disclaimer: The information on this platform is not intended or implied to be a substitute for personal professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All platform content including text, graphics, images, and information is for general information purposes only & does not replace clinical consultation with your own doctor/mental health professional.

Single & Solo Parent Support: A collaboration with Dr. Monica Krishnan, PharmD

Are you a single / solo parent that is in need of support?

In 2021, there were approximately 15.6 million children living with a single mother in the United States, and about 3.6 million children living with a single father.* It’s clear that single & solo parent households are becoming more prevalent in this country—- why are we not adapting socially to meet the needs of these seismic household shifts?

Today I am collaborating with Dr. Monica Krishnan, PharmD who is one of my favorite collaborators from Instagram. I’ve collaborated with Dr. Monica in the past on “the invisible workload performed by pharmacy staff” which emphasizes the often unseen labor pharmacy staff perform on a routine basis. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts and blogs, burnout is a hot topic but it’s not a trend. In order to attack it from multiple angles, we (the burnout specialists) have to highlight & define the “invisible” workload and gaps in resources / support to make any sort of enduring, substantial changes.

Dr. Monica, a solo parent, had some thoughts on her own experience that she wanted to share with Parent Suitcase.

“Solo parenting is not easy as it comes with many challenges. It also comes with a beautiful opportunity to grow as a person, and over time I have learned that I am the perfect parent for my two beautiful daughters. Remind yourself by looking in the mirror and say out loud you are a rockstar and you are doing the best you can! Remember you are doing twice the work so pat yourself on the back daily!”- Dr. Monica

The United States has the world’s highest rate of single parent households and they are less likely to live with extended family**. How can we as a community maximize the resources that single & solo parents have while also advocating for additional resources to be readily available in both work & home atmospheres? Here are our Top 8 tools & tips following by some valuable links to other single & solo parent resources….

1) Build your support system/ community: Who provides you external support? You community may be comprised of local friends, family members, parent groups, mentors, etc. When you are cultivating your own social safety net, take into consideration level of trust, reliability, and parental competitiveness. The goal is to feel secure in your exchanges vs. competing for the “Best Parent Award”. I have shared some other in-depth information on how you can do this in previous posts on Parent Suitcase

2) Ask for help - don’t be afraid to ask for support, you deserve help: Support comes in many forms- mental health support, physical support, household task support, etc. Solo parents bear a massive responsibility to their families; for many single & solo parents, working part-time / full-time / double shifts to remain (or achieve) financial security is a reality. Address household tasks in an age-appropriate manner and create a flexible household action plan so that the lion’s share of the workload doesn’t fall onto one person’s shoulders. For mental health support, seek out health-related advice from your healthcare team if you are feeling like you need some additional professional guidance.

3) Developing a mindfulness practice: This one came highly recommended by Dr. Monica as a solo parent working frontline in the midst of a pändem1c. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, the 7 Key Attitudes of Mindfulness are: not-judging, patience, holding a beginner’s mind / open & curious, trust, not striving / present moment focus, acceptance, and letting go.*** We both love Dr. Gandhi and her sessions on IGLive and IGTV: Ruminations on Gratitude

4) Self-care essentials: Dr. Monica’s Self Care Tool Box: exercise, therapy, meditation, nature walks, scheduling joy, listening to inspirational podcasts, maintaining a gratitude practice (Dr. Gandhi’s practice), finding your tribe of women, or trying a new hobby.

5) Build a network with other parents for additional support: setting up a reliable carpooling schedule / backup transportation, offering occasional backup sitter care, opportunities for social connection.

6) Schedule “me time“ daily: even if it’s 5-15 min/day! Self-investment is a key component in maintaining overall optimal health & wellbeing. Whether you decide that those 5-15 minutes are spent on nothingness or they are best spent painting, use that opportunity to give back to yourself. Before you became a parent, you had hobbies, interests, and needs that needed to be met. As a parent, the same applies, even if it takes some sifting through weighted layers of responsibilities and never-ending, scrolling daily task lists.

7) Feel all your emotions- some days are harder than others! That “not-judging” attitude that Kabat-Zinn mentioned…

8) Seek mental health supported if needed: I mention this EVERYWHERE and Dr. Monica stands firm on this, too. If you are feeling too overwhelmed or need some additional coping strategies to manage your daily life, there is no shame in seeking out additional mental health support. There are so many providers that are championing this now on social media- mental health is a component of our overall health and both are uniquely intertwined.

And now for some additional single & solo parent resources:

Single Parent Advocate: visit their website to see how single families can find healing and hope
The Single Parent Project: dedicated to providing financial relief and other resources
A Single Mother: Grants for Single Moms: a collection of all grants available to U.S. single moms and other resources
Single Mother Guide: a breakdown of grants and their amounts by state and living situation
Parents Without Partners: single parent support group for all single parents & their children

Without ample support systems in place, single & solo parenthood can feel overwhelming. “Special stress for single parents often arises from a critical economic situation, little social support and the increased demands arising from the child’s sole care and upbringing. Also, single parents more often fear that they have too little time for their children and their education.”****

Gather your practical resources here and share your own favorites below with us! We are so grateful that you are spending your valuable time reading this collaborative blog and can’t wait to hear from you.

Follow @parentsuitcase and @drmonicapharmd for more content that can help you live a more supported, resourced life. Join us on our platforms as we provide practical, real world resources and support for all families and stay tuned for more on this topic!

Request a “Parent Suitcase” topic by DM here!

Sources:

*https://www.statista.com/statistics/252847/number-of-children-living-with-a-single-mother-or-single-father/

**https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent/

***https://www.sc.edu/about/offices_and_divisions/housing/documents/resiliencyproject/7keyattitudesofmindfulness.pdf

****Sartor, T., Lange, S., & Tröster, H. (2022). Cumulative Stress of Single Mothers - An Exploration of Potential Risk Factors. *The Family Journal*, *0*(0).

Disclaimer: The information on this platform is not intended or implied to be a substitute for personal professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All platform content including text, graphics, images, and information is for general information purposes only & does not replace clinical consultation with your own doctor/mental health professional.

When a child is diagnosed with cancer: Part II

Treating a child with cancer does not start and stop with the medical interventions.

There must also be careful consideration & management regarding the emotional and psychological health of the child, the parents, other siblings (if applicable), and the family in general. It is important to maintain as normal a routine as possible for the child, including schooling, time with friends, and enjoyment of other activities. While this may be disrupted if inpatient treatment is necessary & during recovery from treatment, the more the usual routine can be followed, the better for the overall health & wellbeing of the child and family. Of course, if modification is necessary for comfort, that is completely understandable. You have to do what works best for you and your family, and sometimes that means being flexible and adapting as needed.

What are some ways to create stability in routine?

1. Reading familiar books, maintaining a similar bedtime rouotine

2. Eating a family meal together

3. Doing something creative or something that brings you joy, particularly an activity that requires minimal effort

4. Prioritizing rest when needed

5. Working on school activities together (if applicable)

6. Finding ways to remain social, even if it can only be virtual (based on current needs & recommendations from healthcare team)

7. Scheduling virtual calls with school friends

Involvement of child life specialists can be very beneficial in this regard. This service is frequently available through pediatric specialty centers. Child life specialists work with children & families to help them cope with some of the stressors they may experience while being treated for cancer. They help families by providing different coping strategies while undergoing different medical procedures, preparing mentally for various tests / diagnostic procedures, providing parent education and ways to be supportive & educated on such procedures, developing coping tools for sibling support, etc.

There are many resources that can assist families, particularly during the treatment phase of childhood cancers. Connecting with other families with children with similar cancer types and treatments is critical to increase support for the family. Obtaining financial resources regarding travel and accommodations, if needed, is also available through many organizations and should be explored. It is also important to obtain reputable information from such sites as ‘cancer.net’, ‘cancercare.org’, ‘childrenscancer.org’, as well as sites dedicated to the specific type of cancer. If you follow me on Instagram, I recently covered this topic and offered some resources specifically for childhood cancer support here:

1. Comfort items for hospital stays

2. Parental Health & Childhood Cancer

3. “My child just received a cancer diagnosis, what is my first step?”

4. How to support a family whose child was diagnosed with cancer

5. National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

In anticipation of upcoming appointments, it can be helpful for parents to put together a list of questions to ask the treating providers. These 6 questions can include (and are not limited to) the following:

1. Is the diagnosis correct and how do we know? This question is not intended to offend the treating provider- the intention is to provide more insight on clinical findings, diagnostic results, pathology findings, etc. The more informed we can be as parents, the more we can understand the details of the child’s care plan, collaborative next steps, and how to best navigate it.

2. Can we have a second opinion? Again- this question is not intended to offend the treating provider. Having a second opinion can also help the family to feel more confident and empowered in the care that they are receiving and to further confirm the stage of the disease & diagnosis. Also, some centers may offer more advanced treatment options.

3. What are the treatment options and the associated advantages & disadvantages? The discussion of quality of life is a major consideration here. Being informed on the possible advantages & disadvantages of certain treatments allows you to feel more empowered while making such personal family decisions. It is important to consider and discuss the goals of treatment, which includes not only treating the cancer itself but maintaining comfort, symptom control, and quality of life.

4. Is the treating provider a pediatric specialist or is a referral to a pediatric specialist necessary?

5. What resources and services are available to help with support for the family and finances? Here is a list of resources for additional financial support: financial assistance for teens & children

6. How do we maintain as normal a routine as possible during treatment?

By considering the factors discussed above, the unimaginable difficulty of treating childhood cancer can be made somewhat more manageable for the child and family. For more information on this topic, please visit @ParentSuitcase on Instagram.

#childhoodcancer #cancercaresupport #childhoodcancerawareness #parentsupport #parentingresources

Disclaimer: The information on this platform is not intended or implied to be a substitute for personal professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All platform content including text, graphics, images, and information is for general information purposes only & does not replace clinical consultation with your own doctor/mental health professional.

When a child is diagnosed with cancer: Part I

When a child is diagnosed with cancer, there can be an understandably strong, emotional reaction from parents and family.  There are several ways that this extremely difficult situation can be assisted, including obtaining information, gathering resources, and asking questions.  Part I of this blog provides an overview of these elements to create a foundation for parents and families who may be navigating the challenges and emotions of having a child with cancer.

Childhood cancer may share some aspects with adult cancers, however there are also many notable differences.  There are approximately 10,470 new cases of cancer amongst children younger than 15 each year in the United States.*  These cancers account for numerous types- some are also seen amongst adults and others are specific to, or more frequent in, children.  The majority of instances of cancer amongst children are not related to environmental or lifestyle factors, as is much more frequent in adults.

The diagnosis & management of childhood cancer is typically more specialized than it is amongst adults.  While many forms of cancer in adults are treated in both community and specialty centers, the majority of childhood cancers are treated in specialized pediatric settings.  This leads to increased challenges in access to care amongst families who do not live in proximity to major medical centers, where most pediatric centers are located.  Treatment methods may also differ amongst children in comparison to adults.  In part, this is the result of childhood-specific factors, such as growth.  In order to preserve growth, treatment strategies amongst children may be substantially different than they would be for adults.

Another important difference between childhood and adult cancer is the prognosis.  Amongst all types of cancer in children, the overall 5 year survival is approximately 85%.  This represents an improved prognosis compared to adults.  It is important to consider, however, that this estimated survival is amongst all types of cancer and, unfortunately, there are cancer types that are associated with a lower 5 year survival.  The prognosis is dependent upon the type and stage of the cancer at the time of diagnosis, but typically there is a better survival rate amongst children with cancer than adults.

Parents and caregivers of children diagnosed with cancer are understandably presented with several significant challenges.  There is the initial shock of the diagnosis and obvious concerns for the wellbeing and health of their child / loved one.  In order to support themselves and those around them, there are several aspects that parents can emphasize. 

• They should obtain as much information as possible, both from the treating providers and through their own research.  Understanding as much of the applicable medical information as possible is important in order to make informed treatment decisions as well as help answer questions that the child and other family members may ask. 

• By obtaining relevant and accurate information, anxiety about the diagnosis, treatment, and outcome can be reduced.  It is crucial that parents understand as much as possible about the diagnosis and treatment options. 

• In order to make informed decisions, it is important to understand not only what is recommended by the treating provider, but also other appropriate treatment options.  This may require obtaining a second opinion, which should not be a hesitation.  It is crucial that pediatric specific specialists be involved with treatment planning and provision of as much treatment as possible. 

• Given logistical considerations, it may not be possible for every child to be treated in a pediatric specific center.  In such cases, obtaining recommendations from a pediatric cancer specialist that can be implemented closer to home should be considered.

Please follow along for Part II: Childhood cancer treatment & other considerations

Follow @ParentSuitcase on Instagram and Pinterest

#parent #childhoodcancer #parentsupport

Disclaimer: The information on this platform is not intended or implied to be a substitute for personal professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All platform content including text, graphics, images, and information is for general information purposes only & does not replace clinical consultation with your own doctor/mental health professional.

Sources:

*Cancer.org

An interview with Scott Mair and Parent Suitcase: Part II

I’ve had the pleasure of collaborating with Scott previously on Instagram several times in the parental mental health & advocacy space.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, Scott is an avid parental mental health campaigner and advocate. Both Scott and Mark Willams, a keynote speaker, author and international campaigner, conducted a recent qualitative study and surveyed 261 participants on the impact on fathers & birth partner mental health and emotional wellbeing during the perinatal period.*

Some findings:

• 82% felt stressed, anxious, or depressed during the perinatal period*

• 66.3% increased alcohol intake, feeling less motivated*

• 77.8% were not asked about their mental wellbeing*

If hindsight is 20/20, what could have helped these fathers & partners? According to the survey, fathers & partners would have like more parental resources in the following categories:

• Professional support: 21.3%* (healthcare specialist engagement, enhanced / regular mental health screening measures)

• Online support: 17.7%*

• Education: 18.9%* (child-related & parental role)

• Information: 22.4%* (on child-related and parenting-related topics)

• Support groups: 19.1%*

• Baby: 0.6%*

During my interview, I wanted to gather Scott’s insight on some of the biggest hurdles he sees (or hears from others) during the perinatal period and how we can both better support our partners while also properly looking out for ourselves. Here’s an excerpt from our 5-question interview below:

1. What are the benefits of being an engaged father within the home? And for the family?

Scott: There are to many benefits to list but I will provide you my favourites… Mirror the man you want your son to be! As a father of 7 sons, I have high hopes that they will be engaged fathers and supportive partners. Our children don’t always listen to us (most of us know this) but they are always watching- so when I am physically absent, when I prioritize my feelings above theirs, or if disrespectful… they are watching and observing.

Now, we can’t always be perfect and that leads to to my next point.

The honest and engaged father may “drop the ball” sometimes, but don’t blame others. Repair, accept your wrongdoings, and allow your children to see when you show up. Demonstrate that there are times when you need to make time to invest in your own wellbeing and focus on yourself- this doesn’t mean neglecting them. Show them that you respect them enough to be honest.

Finally, being a father is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given and my wife Sarah gave that to me- I would never want her to feel like this is a journey she is on alone. The responsibility of childcare, household tasks, life, medical needs, and educational needs are not solely hers- they are shared. I have the pleasure and privilege of being present, nurturing and teaching our children. These responsibilities are not chores, they are choices that I intentionally make. I chose to start a family with her and I choose to raise them. If we want our children to mirror us, we must make deliberate, intentional choices.

2. How has your experience in the delivery room changed or shaped the way that you contribute or parent? Have subsequent birth experiences changed / altered the way you parent or how you contribute?

In my opinion, C0VID-19 and the restrictions highlighted what some parents have missed out on- being present during the birthing experience and the profound impact that can have on a couple and on a family. Having witnessed what my wife experienced while bringing my boys into the world, I developed a newfound respect for her! We met at age 16 and we’ve been together for 24 years; with each birthing experience, I was more in awe of her. Following the first birth, I knew I would move heaven & earth for her. I want to ensure that she knows this everyday. I am so grateful for her and for the health of our boys. Things got hairy at times. As the saying goes, “it’s the most natural thing you can do!”- I don’t buy that. It’s the most selfless thing you can do. The chances of them even being here are so minute that I knew I wanted to spend every second I could with them.

3. What type of postpartum support did your wife / yourself receive? Did you find it helpful? And if it lacked at all, what do you wish you had known / learned to help?

In the UK, we are blessed with what we call Health Visitors and the Midwife comes to check on the birth parent in the beginning. There isn’t always much support for dads and partners. I do wish there were more opportunities for dads & partners to express their parental concerns and to gather supportive parental resources as it’s a difficult time for all. I will say, knowing how to best support my wife is the one component that stands out; you are told that “it is your job” but not given any guidance on how to do it. Then, when you “fail” at it or if you struggle, society then considers you “an absent, distant or deadbeat dad”. If we support all parents with adequate education and support, we provide children with the best possible outcome in life and that is something we should all strive for!

4. Why do you work in this specialty? Why does this work matter to you?

I work as a trainer in paternal mental health and also provide community support (i.e. antenatal classes for dads, peer support). The reason it matters so much to me is because every child deserves the best possible outcome and, when possible, we should aim to keep families together. Understanding what new fathers are going through, like the hormonal changes (testosterone dropping by up to a third), dealing with ACEs from childhood, managing there own mental health issues, and / or diagnoses of bipolar depression or ADHD/ASD can all be triggering and cause new fathers to be anxious or depressed. When they are, they less likely to read, engage in play, dance & sing with their children. Having an engaged, invested father that does (even some) of these things can enhance child development- anything ranging from higher attainment academically to more emotionally resilient, developing stronger social skills, even higher ability to problem solve & manage aggression. If parent-specific clinicians provided more tools in these categories to fathers & partners, it could increase paternal engagement. Also, we could have more informed discussions with our children about dismantling typical gender roles & responsibilities within the home.

5. Why is community 'care' so important for parents (or fathers in particular)?

Community is paramount to family success. As a society, we talk about the “village it’s takes”- many people sit and wait for the village to arrive and it doesn’t, leaving them feeling isolated. I feel all professionals and even society as a whole needs to be “the village” and put the children centre stage. Let’s build out from the child and make sure they have a voice, that they are heard and supported. By equipping both parents mentally and emotionally, it helps develop mentally and emotionally-equipped children. Create relationships with both parents when applicable. Incarcerated parents and enlisted military overseas can work on ways to be involved with the child’s life & development and are often overlooked. These are things that I do and have seen it accomplished, we just need to think outside of the box. The role of a father has changed and evolved over the past 20+ years; rather than hiding behind traditions and mistakes let’s stand beside the family and meet individual needs. I can say that I have changed as well.

Sources:

1. https://cdn.dad.info/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/I-AM-A-PARENT-NOT-IN-FECTION-RISK-10.10.22.pdf

Parental Health, Partner Support, and PMADs: Part I

I’m going to open this blog up with a question to all of the parents reading this blog:

How do you differentiate between struggling and suffering?

If you’ve been on social media lately, I’m sure you’ve heard (or seen) the phrase “the struggle is real”. According to Merriam-Webster: to struggle (v): to proceed with difficulty or with great effort.

Now to suffer , here are some definitions (v.):

• to submit to or be forced to endure.

• to feel keenly: labor under

• to put up with especially as inevitable or unavoidable.

• to allow especially by reason of indifference

• to endure death, pain, or distress

• to sustain loss or damage

• to be subject to disability or handicap

According to various studies, parental stress has increased significantly during COVID-19 and has not returned to pre-CV19 levels*. We are collectively short on mental health resources & other ante/postnatal parenting support to meet these enormous demands. From a public health perspective, this is highly problematic as it can have a direct impact on child / family wellbeing. Parents are both struggling and suffering to varying degrees. Is there anything we could have done about this before it became such a colossally pervasive issue?

From a parental perspective, we need to overhaul the amount of support we, as a society, are extending to parents.

• Effective stress management strategies- affordable, attainable, easy to access. Could this be a component of family planning? Certainly.

• Support system scaffolding to aid parents throughout all stages of parenthood. If we have preventive measures in place as early as possible, it would help to mitigate more serious effects in the future (i.e. parental burnout, neglect, maltreatment, etc). Some examples of this type of “scaffolding” include affordable childcare, mental health services for both birthing partner and non-birthing partner, sleep optimization resources, and so forth.

• Collaborative partner support- this is more of an individual discussion, although all parents can have discussions on household equity, their own definition of “household task completion”, and how family-specific tasks are divided amongst all contributing parties.

• More time with your care team!!!!! There are so many bureaucratic reasons why one may have quick ante/postnatal visits (lots of patients, not a lot of time, administrative demands and so on). If you have questions for your care team, you should never feel rushed or dismissed.

• Education on recognizing signs & symptoms of perinatal or postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMAD) and differentiating between “baby blues” and PMAD. Roughly 50-80% percent of new moms experience changes in mood and sadness during the first 2-3 weeks following birth which typically resolve without intervention- this is referred to as postpartum “baby blues”.** Baby blues and PMAD are not the same as symptom length and severity are different.**

If you follow @RunTellMom on Instagram, you know that parental health is one of my favorite topics to cover. One of the reasons why I started my @RunTellMom social media account was to provide a space for parents to share stories, to communicate and collaborate with other parents / specialists, and to bring you fresh insight and parental wellbeing resources to further support parents throughout various stages of their parenting journey. One of my favorite collaborators is Scott Mair. He is a Mental Health Campaigner, Author, Army Veteran, Trainer, Speaker and Consultant. Scott has been featured on multiple podcasts including @Therapy4Dads, Bystanders, Knock on Parenthood, to name a few.

Next week’s collaborative blog will feature Scott and some of his favorite tips and tools for parental support and parental wellbeing. Don’t forget to follow along on Instagram and Pinterest!

Stay tuned…

Sources:

1. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.626456/full

2. https://www.chop.edu/conditions-diseases/perinatal-or-postpartum-mood-and-anxiety-disorders

The Importance of Community: Part II

Would you consider a disrupted support system to be a risk factor for postpartum depression?

One of the (many) reasons why community support for parents is so vital…MENTAL WELL-BEING!

In an ideal (frankly realistic!) world, postpartum parents would receive additional external support & extended time off granted for postpartum recovery following the birth of their child(ren). Over the past 2.5 years, support systems have drastically shape-shifted to navigate unpredictable circumstances due to CV-19, leaving many without reliable backup newborn support / childcare, household support, local support, etc.

We have all read & seen statistics on both postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety covered on social media. According to various bodies of research, anywhere from 1 in 7-10 women will experience postpartum depression following birth.(1) It’s also been estimated that approximately 50% of mothers with postpartum depression are not diagnosed by a healthcare professional. (1)

Whether your friend, neighbor, or a beloved family member has postpartum depression OR is exhibiting a change in mood or behavior, one of the most important things to do during that period of time is to demonstrate support, encouragement, and to be nonjudgmental. It can be very difficult for people to reach out if they feel like they are being judged either silently or outright.

What are some of my favorite resources for parents who are struggling to find community and / or may be looking fo additional therapeutic support?

Here are 5 resources to utilize if you or someone you know needs additional support as a postpartum parent:

1. Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net

   PSI HelpLine: 1-800-944-4773 #1 En Español or #2 English

   Text “Help” to 800-944-4773 (EN), text en Español: 971-203-7773

2. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: if you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org

3. National Alliance on Mental Illness: https://www.nami.org/help

   NAMI HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. – 10 p.m., ET.
   Call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email us at helpline@nami.org

4. Perinatal Support Washington: https://perinatalsupport.org

   Need help? Call or text our toll free peer support line (se habla español).

   1-888-404-7763

5. The Family Help Line: http://www.parenttrust.org/for-families/call-fhl/ Call: 1-800-932-HOPE (4673) in Washington State
   

It’s not just therapy that is the answer here. It’s adequate resourcing, accessibility, equity, and feeling like you are DESERVING of support.
If you or someone you care about is experiencing concerning symptoms, please connect with a licensed mental health professional or healthcare professional to discuss in more detail.

Follow @Parentsuitcase on Instagram and Pinterest

Disclaimer: The information on this platform is not intended or implied to be a substitute for personal professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All Parent Suitcase website & Parent Suitcase social media platform content including text, graphics, images, and information is for general information purposes only & does not replace clinical consultation with your own doctor/mental health professional.

Sources:

1. https://www.postpartumdepression.org/resources/statistics/

What is Parent Suitcase?

Parent Suitcase is a community for parents everywhere, facing various struggles and circumstances. With an emphasis on genuine connection, community, and belonging, @parentsuitcase offers professional, evidence-driven resources that get to the true heart of the various issues parents face. The mission behind Parent Suitcase is to develop a community that holds what many parents have been lacking in their journey of navigating parenting obstacles; community, empathy, and connection.

Parent Suitcase has a distinct and intentional focus on quality of content + resources over the aesthetic “quick fix” method that’s currently crowding social media. PS aims to be a hub of insight + resources that tackle real topics that are often glossed over (if mentioned at all) on social media.

On this platform, we will be covering some difficult topics. My goal is to bring you data-driven content, real-life perspectives, hand-picked resources, and to further encourage collaborative dialogue. The “parenting village” that you have been looking for is being created right here; together, we will assemble a suitcase full of resource, outreach information, and education for you and for the community surrounding you.

Parent Suitcase also focuses on advocacy, charity, and informative collaborative dialogue with other platforms. If you are interested in collaborating, DM @parentsuitcase on Instagram and send me your ideas!

#parent #parenting #parentproblems #parentingsupport #singleparent #parentingbyconnection #momsofinstagram #momstruggles #parenthood #firstdayofschool #honestmotherhood #seattle #unitedstates #helpful #help #familylife #seattlehealth #careermom #community #parentcommunity #momtobe #dad #dadlife #momlife #dadtobe

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The Importance of Community for Parents: Part I

“Why do parents share their personal stories on social media? Aren’t they opening themselves up for criticism and trolling?”

This is a question that I was asked by another parent. I had to think about that one for a bit because I, too, am not big into sharing a lot of personal details on social media. When I originally developed Run Tell Mom, the mission focused on sharing other parental experiences in an effort to build community and to strengthen connections between parents (both alike and unalike). I wanted each story to be a candid take on a parent’s personal experience, one that may resonate with another parent somewhere else in this virtual world. The more story spotlights I featured, the more inquiries I would get to share from another lens. I absolutely LOVED it because it felt like a community wanting to learn more about others, wanting to connect during an isolating, scary period of time when connection seemed like a distant reflection in the rearview mirror.

I felt like social media was becoming increasingly more divided and more contentious, so my solution was to cultivate a virtual social space for parents that felt collaborative, welcoming, and inclusive. I started collaborating with some amazing platforms: speaking with different mental health specialists, authors, doulas, keynote speakers, and healthcare providers on my platform and things just started making so much more sense to me. I was connecting with individuals whom I wished I met before welcoming my now 5yr old. I wanted a different type of support that focused on the parent and not solely on the child.

Following that recognition, I knew that I wanted to focus more on prevention, specifically for parental burnout & family planning. When I say family planning, I mean this in a very abstract sense: gathering resources for mental health support, locating parent & caregiver support groups, finding ways to eat healthy when you’re bone-deep exhausted, how to cross-train with your partner to achieve household equity, etc. In order for me to fulfill those tasks, I had to take more of a front seat approach and be the face in the videos, the Reels, the face not just the headshot. That made me feel uncomfortable because I try to keep my work life separate from private life. Keep in mind: the more you share, the more vulnerable you become to criticism and trolling.

I noticed that there were two strong, recurring themes throughout each collaboration and interview: the importance of social connection and belonging (and to be honest, it’s haaaaaard to authentically create that on social media).

Naively, I thought social media would be the most “natural” way to cultivate a sense of parental belonging- the convenience, the immediacy, and the massive reach that social media offers… it seemed like a no-brainer! It’s not that straightforward.

I’ve had conversations with other parents about how social media feels “competitive” or “harsh at the best of times”. It can feel a lot like high school for many of us: the like-for-like behavior, following popular accounts within one’s niche in order to get your top comments pinned for more platform viewership, interacting with other people whom are (most likely) complete strangers within comments. I stepped back and did my own case studies on the behaviors we all (maybe subconsciously) participate in on social media and I thought to myself “..am I doing this for ME alone or am I doing this to help other parents and caregivers?”

In what other environment are we saying stuff like “thank you for sharing” 10,000 times on another creator’s feed just to feel seen? For many, there is this inherent drive to gain more followers under the guise of calling it one’s community without thoughtfully cultivating feeling of actual community. It’s one thing to authentically support one’s account and their mission, but commenting just to generate traffic to our account for likes feels superficial and self-centered. And full disclosure- I speak from personal experience because I’ve participated in this and it feels yucky and unproductive.

So to answer the question “why does it feel competitive?”- the answer is two-prong.

1. Comparing oneself to the meticulously-edited feeds with clean homes, Pinterest-perfect curated lunches, mothers grinning ear-to-ear in family photos, all while tallying up one’s “like count” and comparing it to other platforms can negatively impact one’s view of self and alter your own definition of parenting success. How would the self-doubt trickle in? And why does it feel like we are competing against other parents in order to see a boost in vanity metrics? Because with every static grid post, every Reel, and every Live interview, there are metrics that are captured & displayed- the amount of likes you get, the views your Reels get, the amount of individuals that tune-into your Live discussion. Tethering your self-worth and personal growth to these vanity metrics can lead one to believe that they aren’t doing it right unless their metrics demonstrate increased numbers. So how do we cleave this? We stop focusing on the metrics as the sole measure of one’s self worth as a parent creator on social media. If your mission is to help parents, allow that to be the measurement of your platform’s success.

The other unpopular topic I am going to pull back the curtain on: why do we call people within our community “followers”?

It feels derogatory to call people “followers”, in fact when we were younger, being called a “follower” was considered derogatory. Certainly, they are “following” your content because they feel inspired by it or maybe it makes them feel seen, but to haphazardly label a group as a “following” places the those individuals on a lower hierarchical level than the content creator.

Think about any account that you follow that exceeds 50,000 people within that community. Imagine the content creator posts a static grid with some provocative statement on that static grid post. It’s like a tinderbox waiting for a sulfur-tipped match to spark a verbally combative debate within the comment section. Now, imagine that static grid post featured an opinion on motherhood- criticizing one’s parenting skills, food choices, or non-physical disciplinary actions. It can get emotionally-charged and pick up engagement speed REAL quick. Can this divide a community? Most certainly, yes. I am 1000% supportive of having an opinion and expressing it tactfully, but verbally attacking others on social media, and in many cases a person you’ve never met before, has its risks and the impact can linger on far beyond that virtual environment.

Maybe it’s a bit of a pipe dream, but I want parents to feel like the platforms they follow are really considering their mental wellbeing and internal point of view, not just their own vanity metrics or posting something purposefully antagonistic in order to grow their own account.

I hope you hang here with me while I slowly start to spin my wheels on this new endeavor. I want you to feel welcomed and empowered here. I also want you to know that I cover some tough topics, so please be kind in the comments- we don’t know what other people are going through, but we know that we want to feel like we belong, like we are seen, and like we have a real community looking after us in a way that feels authentic and supportive.

Stay tuned for Part II,

-Shelley

Founder of @ParentSuitcase on Instagram and @RunTellMom on Instagram

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