An interview with Scott Mair and Parent Suitcase: Part II

I’ve had the pleasure of collaborating with Scott previously on Instagram several times in the parental mental health & advocacy space.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, Scott is an avid parental mental health campaigner and advocate. Both Scott and Mark Willams, a keynote speaker, author and international campaigner, conducted a recent qualitative study and surveyed 261 participants on the impact on fathers & birth partner mental health and emotional wellbeing during the perinatal period.*

Some findings:

• 82% felt stressed, anxious, or depressed during the perinatal period*

• 66.3% increased alcohol intake, feeling less motivated*

• 77.8% were not asked about their mental wellbeing*

If hindsight is 20/20, what could have helped these fathers & partners? According to the survey, fathers & partners would have like more parental resources in the following categories:

• Professional support: 21.3%* (healthcare specialist engagement, enhanced / regular mental health screening measures)

• Online support: 17.7%*

• Education: 18.9%* (child-related & parental role)

• Information: 22.4%* (on child-related and parenting-related topics)

• Support groups: 19.1%*

• Baby: 0.6%*

During my interview, I wanted to gather Scott’s insight on some of the biggest hurdles he sees (or hears from others) during the perinatal period and how we can both better support our partners while also properly looking out for ourselves. Here’s an excerpt from our 5-question interview below:

1. What are the benefits of being an engaged father within the home? And for the family?

Scott: There are to many benefits to list but I will provide you my favourites… Mirror the man you want your son to be! As a father of 7 sons, I have high hopes that they will be engaged fathers and supportive partners. Our children don’t always listen to us (most of us know this) but they are always watching- so when I am physically absent, when I prioritize my feelings above theirs, or if disrespectful… they are watching and observing.

Now, we can’t always be perfect and that leads to to my next point.

The honest and engaged father may “drop the ball” sometimes, but don’t blame others. Repair, accept your wrongdoings, and allow your children to see when you show up. Demonstrate that there are times when you need to make time to invest in your own wellbeing and focus on yourself- this doesn’t mean neglecting them. Show them that you respect them enough to be honest.

Finally, being a father is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given and my wife Sarah gave that to me- I would never want her to feel like this is a journey she is on alone. The responsibility of childcare, household tasks, life, medical needs, and educational needs are not solely hers- they are shared. I have the pleasure and privilege of being present, nurturing and teaching our children. These responsibilities are not chores, they are choices that I intentionally make. I chose to start a family with her and I choose to raise them. If we want our children to mirror us, we must make deliberate, intentional choices.

2. How has your experience in the delivery room changed or shaped the way that you contribute or parent? Have subsequent birth experiences changed / altered the way you parent or how you contribute?

In my opinion, C0VID-19 and the restrictions highlighted what some parents have missed out on- being present during the birthing experience and the profound impact that can have on a couple and on a family. Having witnessed what my wife experienced while bringing my boys into the world, I developed a newfound respect for her! We met at age 16 and we’ve been together for 24 years; with each birthing experience, I was more in awe of her. Following the first birth, I knew I would move heaven & earth for her. I want to ensure that she knows this everyday. I am so grateful for her and for the health of our boys. Things got hairy at times. As the saying goes, “it’s the most natural thing you can do!”- I don’t buy that. It’s the most selfless thing you can do. The chances of them even being here are so minute that I knew I wanted to spend every second I could with them.

3. What type of postpartum support did your wife / yourself receive? Did you find it helpful? And if it lacked at all, what do you wish you had known / learned to help?

In the UK, we are blessed with what we call Health Visitors and the Midwife comes to check on the birth parent in the beginning. There isn’t always much support for dads and partners. I do wish there were more opportunities for dads & partners to express their parental concerns and to gather supportive parental resources as it’s a difficult time for all. I will say, knowing how to best support my wife is the one component that stands out; you are told that “it is your job” but not given any guidance on how to do it. Then, when you “fail” at it or if you struggle, society then considers you “an absent, distant or deadbeat dad”. If we support all parents with adequate education and support, we provide children with the best possible outcome in life and that is something we should all strive for!

4. Why do you work in this specialty? Why does this work matter to you?

I work as a trainer in paternal mental health and also provide community support (i.e. antenatal classes for dads, peer support). The reason it matters so much to me is because every child deserves the best possible outcome and, when possible, we should aim to keep families together. Understanding what new fathers are going through, like the hormonal changes (testosterone dropping by up to a third), dealing with ACEs from childhood, managing there own mental health issues, and / or diagnoses of bipolar depression or ADHD/ASD can all be triggering and cause new fathers to be anxious or depressed. When they are, they less likely to read, engage in play, dance & sing with their children. Having an engaged, invested father that does (even some) of these things can enhance child development- anything ranging from higher attainment academically to more emotionally resilient, developing stronger social skills, even higher ability to problem solve & manage aggression. If parent-specific clinicians provided more tools in these categories to fathers & partners, it could increase paternal engagement. Also, we could have more informed discussions with our children about dismantling typical gender roles & responsibilities within the home.

5. Why is community 'care' so important for parents (or fathers in particular)?

Community is paramount to family success. As a society, we talk about the “village it’s takes”- many people sit and wait for the village to arrive and it doesn’t, leaving them feeling isolated. I feel all professionals and even society as a whole needs to be “the village” and put the children centre stage. Let’s build out from the child and make sure they have a voice, that they are heard and supported. By equipping both parents mentally and emotionally, it helps develop mentally and emotionally-equipped children. Create relationships with both parents when applicable. Incarcerated parents and enlisted military overseas can work on ways to be involved with the child’s life & development and are often overlooked. These are things that I do and have seen it accomplished, we just need to think outside of the box. The role of a father has changed and evolved over the past 20+ years; rather than hiding behind traditions and mistakes let’s stand beside the family and meet individual needs. I can say that I have changed as well.

Sources:

1. https://cdn.dad.info/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/I-AM-A-PARENT-NOT-IN-FECTION-RISK-10.10.22.pdf