About to Have a Parent Tantrum? Polyvagal-informed practices to help.

Another scenario common to all parents is the feeling of an impending or the presence of an actual parent tantrum.

We have all been there. We become so frustrated, so aggravated with whatever the current situation may be that we become angry, we may raise our voice, we may say or think things we would otherwise never contemplate. In essence, this is the parent equivalent of the classic toddler temper tantrum. How do we manage such a situation?

First, it is important to always remember that we are all human. Our physiology all works the same way. No matter how good our intentions, or how much we practice skills and strategies to manage our physiology, we are still human. As humans, we will not always get things right, we will not always show up or respond the way we would like and we may have reactions, even tantrums, that do not reflect our true nature or desires. This recognition is a component of the non-judgmental acknowledgement of our physiological state.

The first step in managing a parent tantrum, like with all situations, is the acknowledgement of the current physiological state without judgment or criticism. It is important to recall that our response to internal and external cues occurs, via neuroception, beneath conscious awareness and is not deliberately decided. As such, we did not choose to react to a given internal or external cue in a fashion that led to the tantrum. This does not reflect our intentions, values, or how we would like to respond to the stimulus. This is an unconscious reaction mediated by our nervous system.

While the manner in which we neurocept a given stimulus is not under our control, what happens next can be better controlled. If we are able, through training our nervous system, to rapidly identify the shift in our physiology, we are then able to implement the appropriate skills to shift our physiology towards the desired state. Using this concept, we can illustrate the process for the parent tantrum. In response to a particular internal or external stimulus, we have neurocepted a cue of uncertainly, risk, or threat. The resulting physiological response is a shift towards a sympathetic state. The nature and characteristics of a tantrum correspond very closely to this physiological state.

Following identification of the present sympathetic state, we can then implement our skills and strategies to shift our state towards a ventral vagal state through breathing, thinking, relaxing muscle tone, opening posture, and use of our voice. It is important to note that developing a wide array of skills and strategies is ideal as the preferred skill or strategy may vary at different times or under changing circumstances.

In order to provide the greatest opportunity for success in managing our physiology, it is therefore preferable to have many different tools in our proverbial toolbox. As with the case of shifting away from a dorsal vagal state, each successive instance in which we are able to modify our physiology in response to stimuli strengthens our ability to not only do so in the future but also to tolerate increased levels of stress without associated unwanted shifts in our physiology.

As can be appreciated from the above description, there is substantial empowerment available through embodiment of the skills and strategies based upon Polyvagal Theory.

By understanding our physiology and training the ability to manage our physiological state, we are better positioned to be at our best for ourselves and those around us. This approach respects and works with our physiology and does not attempt to overcome or override it. In so doing, we are best able to express our fullest potential in alignment with what we find most important and value most.

REFERENCES

Dana, D. Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 Client-centered Practices. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2020.

Dana, D. Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory. Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, 2021.

Delahooke, M. Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids. New York: HarperCollins, 2022.

Porges, SW. Polyvagal Safety: Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2021.

Porges, SW. The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company; 2011.

Porges, SW. Presidential Address, 1994. Orienting in a Defensive World: Mammalian Modifications of our Evolutionary Heritage. A Polyvagal Thoery. Psychophysiol 1995; 32: 301-318.

A special thank you to Dr. Darin Davidson MD for his collaborative interview on Polyvagal Informed Practices.

Single & Solo Parent Support: A collaboration with Dr. Monica Krishnan, PharmD

Are you a single / solo parent that is in need of support?

In 2021, there were approximately 15.6 million children living with a single mother in the United States, and about 3.6 million children living with a single father.* It’s clear that single & solo parent households are becoming more prevalent in this country—- why are we not adapting socially to meet the needs of these seismic household shifts?

Today I am collaborating with Dr. Monica Krishnan, PharmD who is one of my favorite collaborators from Instagram. I’ve collaborated with Dr. Monica in the past on “the invisible workload performed by pharmacy staff” which emphasizes the often unseen labor pharmacy staff perform on a routine basis. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts and blogs, burnout is a hot topic but it’s not a trend. In order to attack it from multiple angles, we (the burnout specialists) have to highlight & define the “invisible” workload and gaps in resources / support to make any sort of enduring, substantial changes.

Dr. Monica, a solo parent, had some thoughts on her own experience that she wanted to share with Parent Suitcase.

“Solo parenting is not easy as it comes with many challenges. It also comes with a beautiful opportunity to grow as a person, and over time I have learned that I am the perfect parent for my two beautiful daughters. Remind yourself by looking in the mirror and say out loud you are a rockstar and you are doing the best you can! Remember you are doing twice the work so pat yourself on the back daily!”- Dr. Monica

The United States has the world’s highest rate of single parent households and they are less likely to live with extended family**. How can we as a community maximize the resources that single & solo parents have while also advocating for additional resources to be readily available in both work & home atmospheres? Here are our Top 8 tools & tips following by some valuable links to other single & solo parent resources….

1) Build your support system/ community: Who provides you external support? You community may be comprised of local friends, family members, parent groups, mentors, etc. When you are cultivating your own social safety net, take into consideration level of trust, reliability, and parental competitiveness. The goal is to feel secure in your exchanges vs. competing for the “Best Parent Award”. I have shared some other in-depth information on how you can do this in previous posts on Parent Suitcase

2) Ask for help - don’t be afraid to ask for support, you deserve help: Support comes in many forms- mental health support, physical support, household task support, etc. Solo parents bear a massive responsibility to their families; for many single & solo parents, working part-time / full-time / double shifts to remain (or achieve) financial security is a reality. Address household tasks in an age-appropriate manner and create a flexible household action plan so that the lion’s share of the workload doesn’t fall onto one person’s shoulders. For mental health support, seek out health-related advice from your healthcare team if you are feeling like you need some additional professional guidance.

3) Developing a mindfulness practice: This one came highly recommended by Dr. Monica as a solo parent working frontline in the midst of a pändem1c. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, the 7 Key Attitudes of Mindfulness are: not-judging, patience, holding a beginner’s mind / open & curious, trust, not striving / present moment focus, acceptance, and letting go.*** We both love Dr. Gandhi and her sessions on IGLive and IGTV: Ruminations on Gratitude

4) Self-care essentials: Dr. Monica’s Self Care Tool Box: exercise, therapy, meditation, nature walks, scheduling joy, listening to inspirational podcasts, maintaining a gratitude practice (Dr. Gandhi’s practice), finding your tribe of women, or trying a new hobby.

5) Build a network with other parents for additional support: setting up a reliable carpooling schedule / backup transportation, offering occasional backup sitter care, opportunities for social connection.

6) Schedule “me time“ daily: even if it’s 5-15 min/day! Self-investment is a key component in maintaining overall optimal health & wellbeing. Whether you decide that those 5-15 minutes are spent on nothingness or they are best spent painting, use that opportunity to give back to yourself. Before you became a parent, you had hobbies, interests, and needs that needed to be met. As a parent, the same applies, even if it takes some sifting through weighted layers of responsibilities and never-ending, scrolling daily task lists.

7) Feel all your emotions- some days are harder than others! That “not-judging” attitude that Kabat-Zinn mentioned…

8) Seek mental health supported if needed: I mention this EVERYWHERE and Dr. Monica stands firm on this, too. If you are feeling too overwhelmed or need some additional coping strategies to manage your daily life, there is no shame in seeking out additional mental health support. There are so many providers that are championing this now on social media- mental health is a component of our overall health and both are uniquely intertwined.

And now for some additional single & solo parent resources:

Single Parent Advocate: visit their website to see how single families can find healing and hope
The Single Parent Project: dedicated to providing financial relief and other resources
A Single Mother: Grants for Single Moms: a collection of all grants available to U.S. single moms and other resources
Single Mother Guide: a breakdown of grants and their amounts by state and living situation
Parents Without Partners: single parent support group for all single parents & their children

Without ample support systems in place, single & solo parenthood can feel overwhelming. “Special stress for single parents often arises from a critical economic situation, little social support and the increased demands arising from the child’s sole care and upbringing. Also, single parents more often fear that they have too little time for their children and their education.”****

Gather your practical resources here and share your own favorites below with us! We are so grateful that you are spending your valuable time reading this collaborative blog and can’t wait to hear from you.

Follow @parentsuitcase and @drmonicapharmd for more content that can help you live a more supported, resourced life. Join us on our platforms as we provide practical, real world resources and support for all families and stay tuned for more on this topic!

Request a “Parent Suitcase” topic by DM here!

Sources:

*https://www.statista.com/statistics/252847/number-of-children-living-with-a-single-mother-or-single-father/

**https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent/

***https://www.sc.edu/about/offices_and_divisions/housing/documents/resiliencyproject/7keyattitudesofmindfulness.pdf

****Sartor, T., Lange, S., & Tröster, H. (2022). Cumulative Stress of Single Mothers - An Exploration of Potential Risk Factors. *The Family Journal*, *0*(0).

Disclaimer: The information on this platform is not intended or implied to be a substitute for personal professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All platform content including text, graphics, images, and information is for general information purposes only & does not replace clinical consultation with your own doctor/mental health professional.

An interview with Scott Mair and Parent Suitcase: Part II

I’ve had the pleasure of collaborating with Scott previously on Instagram several times in the parental mental health & advocacy space.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, Scott is an avid parental mental health campaigner and advocate. Both Scott and Mark Willams, a keynote speaker, author and international campaigner, conducted a recent qualitative study and surveyed 261 participants on the impact on fathers & birth partner mental health and emotional wellbeing during the perinatal period.*

Some findings:

• 82% felt stressed, anxious, or depressed during the perinatal period*

• 66.3% increased alcohol intake, feeling less motivated*

• 77.8% were not asked about their mental wellbeing*

If hindsight is 20/20, what could have helped these fathers & partners? According to the survey, fathers & partners would have like more parental resources in the following categories:

• Professional support: 21.3%* (healthcare specialist engagement, enhanced / regular mental health screening measures)

• Online support: 17.7%*

• Education: 18.9%* (child-related & parental role)

• Information: 22.4%* (on child-related and parenting-related topics)

• Support groups: 19.1%*

• Baby: 0.6%*

During my interview, I wanted to gather Scott’s insight on some of the biggest hurdles he sees (or hears from others) during the perinatal period and how we can both better support our partners while also properly looking out for ourselves. Here’s an excerpt from our 5-question interview below:

1. What are the benefits of being an engaged father within the home? And for the family?

Scott: There are to many benefits to list but I will provide you my favourites… Mirror the man you want your son to be! As a father of 7 sons, I have high hopes that they will be engaged fathers and supportive partners. Our children don’t always listen to us (most of us know this) but they are always watching- so when I am physically absent, when I prioritize my feelings above theirs, or if disrespectful… they are watching and observing.

Now, we can’t always be perfect and that leads to to my next point.

The honest and engaged father may “drop the ball” sometimes, but don’t blame others. Repair, accept your wrongdoings, and allow your children to see when you show up. Demonstrate that there are times when you need to make time to invest in your own wellbeing and focus on yourself- this doesn’t mean neglecting them. Show them that you respect them enough to be honest.

Finally, being a father is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given and my wife Sarah gave that to me- I would never want her to feel like this is a journey she is on alone. The responsibility of childcare, household tasks, life, medical needs, and educational needs are not solely hers- they are shared. I have the pleasure and privilege of being present, nurturing and teaching our children. These responsibilities are not chores, they are choices that I intentionally make. I chose to start a family with her and I choose to raise them. If we want our children to mirror us, we must make deliberate, intentional choices.

2. How has your experience in the delivery room changed or shaped the way that you contribute or parent? Have subsequent birth experiences changed / altered the way you parent or how you contribute?

In my opinion, C0VID-19 and the restrictions highlighted what some parents have missed out on- being present during the birthing experience and the profound impact that can have on a couple and on a family. Having witnessed what my wife experienced while bringing my boys into the world, I developed a newfound respect for her! We met at age 16 and we’ve been together for 24 years; with each birthing experience, I was more in awe of her. Following the first birth, I knew I would move heaven & earth for her. I want to ensure that she knows this everyday. I am so grateful for her and for the health of our boys. Things got hairy at times. As the saying goes, “it’s the most natural thing you can do!”- I don’t buy that. It’s the most selfless thing you can do. The chances of them even being here are so minute that I knew I wanted to spend every second I could with them.

3. What type of postpartum support did your wife / yourself receive? Did you find it helpful? And if it lacked at all, what do you wish you had known / learned to help?

In the UK, we are blessed with what we call Health Visitors and the Midwife comes to check on the birth parent in the beginning. There isn’t always much support for dads and partners. I do wish there were more opportunities for dads & partners to express their parental concerns and to gather supportive parental resources as it’s a difficult time for all. I will say, knowing how to best support my wife is the one component that stands out; you are told that “it is your job” but not given any guidance on how to do it. Then, when you “fail” at it or if you struggle, society then considers you “an absent, distant or deadbeat dad”. If we support all parents with adequate education and support, we provide children with the best possible outcome in life and that is something we should all strive for!

4. Why do you work in this specialty? Why does this work matter to you?

I work as a trainer in paternal mental health and also provide community support (i.e. antenatal classes for dads, peer support). The reason it matters so much to me is because every child deserves the best possible outcome and, when possible, we should aim to keep families together. Understanding what new fathers are going through, like the hormonal changes (testosterone dropping by up to a third), dealing with ACEs from childhood, managing there own mental health issues, and / or diagnoses of bipolar depression or ADHD/ASD can all be triggering and cause new fathers to be anxious or depressed. When they are, they less likely to read, engage in play, dance & sing with their children. Having an engaged, invested father that does (even some) of these things can enhance child development- anything ranging from higher attainment academically to more emotionally resilient, developing stronger social skills, even higher ability to problem solve & manage aggression. If parent-specific clinicians provided more tools in these categories to fathers & partners, it could increase paternal engagement. Also, we could have more informed discussions with our children about dismantling typical gender roles & responsibilities within the home.

5. Why is community 'care' so important for parents (or fathers in particular)?

Community is paramount to family success. As a society, we talk about the “village it’s takes”- many people sit and wait for the village to arrive and it doesn’t, leaving them feeling isolated. I feel all professionals and even society as a whole needs to be “the village” and put the children centre stage. Let’s build out from the child and make sure they have a voice, that they are heard and supported. By equipping both parents mentally and emotionally, it helps develop mentally and emotionally-equipped children. Create relationships with both parents when applicable. Incarcerated parents and enlisted military overseas can work on ways to be involved with the child’s life & development and are often overlooked. These are things that I do and have seen it accomplished, we just need to think outside of the box. The role of a father has changed and evolved over the past 20+ years; rather than hiding behind traditions and mistakes let’s stand beside the family and meet individual needs. I can say that I have changed as well.

Sources:

1. https://cdn.dad.info/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/I-AM-A-PARENT-NOT-IN-FECTION-RISK-10.10.22.pdf

Parental Health, Partner Support, and PMADs: Part I

I’m going to open this blog up with a question to all of the parents reading this blog:

How do you differentiate between struggling and suffering?

If you’ve been on social media lately, I’m sure you’ve heard (or seen) the phrase “the struggle is real”. According to Merriam-Webster: to struggle (v): to proceed with difficulty or with great effort.

Now to suffer , here are some definitions (v.):

• to submit to or be forced to endure.

• to feel keenly: labor under

• to put up with especially as inevitable or unavoidable.

• to allow especially by reason of indifference

• to endure death, pain, or distress

• to sustain loss or damage

• to be subject to disability or handicap

According to various studies, parental stress has increased significantly during COVID-19 and has not returned to pre-CV19 levels*. We are collectively short on mental health resources & other ante/postnatal parenting support to meet these enormous demands. From a public health perspective, this is highly problematic as it can have a direct impact on child / family wellbeing. Parents are both struggling and suffering to varying degrees. Is there anything we could have done about this before it became such a colossally pervasive issue?

From a parental perspective, we need to overhaul the amount of support we, as a society, are extending to parents.

• Effective stress management strategies- affordable, attainable, easy to access. Could this be a component of family planning? Certainly.

• Support system scaffolding to aid parents throughout all stages of parenthood. If we have preventive measures in place as early as possible, it would help to mitigate more serious effects in the future (i.e. parental burnout, neglect, maltreatment, etc). Some examples of this type of “scaffolding” include affordable childcare, mental health services for both birthing partner and non-birthing partner, sleep optimization resources, and so forth.

• Collaborative partner support- this is more of an individual discussion, although all parents can have discussions on household equity, their own definition of “household task completion”, and how family-specific tasks are divided amongst all contributing parties.

• More time with your care team!!!!! There are so many bureaucratic reasons why one may have quick ante/postnatal visits (lots of patients, not a lot of time, administrative demands and so on). If you have questions for your care team, you should never feel rushed or dismissed.

• Education on recognizing signs & symptoms of perinatal or postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMAD) and differentiating between “baby blues” and PMAD. Roughly 50-80% percent of new moms experience changes in mood and sadness during the first 2-3 weeks following birth which typically resolve without intervention- this is referred to as postpartum “baby blues”.** Baby blues and PMAD are not the same as symptom length and severity are different.**

If you follow @RunTellMom on Instagram, you know that parental health is one of my favorite topics to cover. One of the reasons why I started my @RunTellMom social media account was to provide a space for parents to share stories, to communicate and collaborate with other parents / specialists, and to bring you fresh insight and parental wellbeing resources to further support parents throughout various stages of their parenting journey. One of my favorite collaborators is Scott Mair. He is a Mental Health Campaigner, Author, Army Veteran, Trainer, Speaker and Consultant. Scott has been featured on multiple podcasts including @Therapy4Dads, Bystanders, Knock on Parenthood, to name a few.

Next week’s collaborative blog will feature Scott and some of his favorite tips and tools for parental support and parental wellbeing. Don’t forget to follow along on Instagram and Pinterest!

Stay tuned…

Sources:

1. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.626456/full

2. https://www.chop.edu/conditions-diseases/perinatal-or-postpartum-mood-and-anxiety-disorders

The Importance of Community: Part II

Would you consider a disrupted support system to be a risk factor for postpartum depression?

One of the (many) reasons why community support for parents is so vital…MENTAL WELL-BEING!

In an ideal (frankly realistic!) world, postpartum parents would receive additional external support & extended time off granted for postpartum recovery following the birth of their child(ren). Over the past 2.5 years, support systems have drastically shape-shifted to navigate unpredictable circumstances due to CV-19, leaving many without reliable backup newborn support / childcare, household support, local support, etc.

We have all read & seen statistics on both postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety covered on social media. According to various bodies of research, anywhere from 1 in 7-10 women will experience postpartum depression following birth.(1) It’s also been estimated that approximately 50% of mothers with postpartum depression are not diagnosed by a healthcare professional. (1)

Whether your friend, neighbor, or a beloved family member has postpartum depression OR is exhibiting a change in mood or behavior, one of the most important things to do during that period of time is to demonstrate support, encouragement, and to be nonjudgmental. It can be very difficult for people to reach out if they feel like they are being judged either silently or outright.

What are some of my favorite resources for parents who are struggling to find community and / or may be looking fo additional therapeutic support?

Here are 5 resources to utilize if you or someone you know needs additional support as a postpartum parent:

1. Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net

   PSI HelpLine: 1-800-944-4773 #1 En Español or #2 English

   Text “Help” to 800-944-4773 (EN), text en Español: 971-203-7773

2. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: if you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org

3. National Alliance on Mental Illness: https://www.nami.org/help

   NAMI HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. – 10 p.m., ET.
   Call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email us at helpline@nami.org

4. Perinatal Support Washington: https://perinatalsupport.org

   Need help? Call or text our toll free peer support line (se habla español).

   1-888-404-7763

5. The Family Help Line: http://www.parenttrust.org/for-families/call-fhl/ Call: 1-800-932-HOPE (4673) in Washington State
   

It’s not just therapy that is the answer here. It’s adequate resourcing, accessibility, equity, and feeling like you are DESERVING of support.
If you or someone you care about is experiencing concerning symptoms, please connect with a licensed mental health professional or healthcare professional to discuss in more detail.

Follow @Parentsuitcase on Instagram and Pinterest

Disclaimer: The information on this platform is not intended or implied to be a substitute for personal professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All Parent Suitcase website & Parent Suitcase social media platform content including text, graphics, images, and information is for general information purposes only & does not replace clinical consultation with your own doctor/mental health professional.

Sources:

1. https://www.postpartumdepression.org/resources/statistics/

What is Parent Suitcase?

Parent Suitcase is a community for parents everywhere, facing various struggles and circumstances. With an emphasis on genuine connection, community, and belonging, @parentsuitcase offers professional, evidence-driven resources that get to the true heart of the various issues parents face. The mission behind Parent Suitcase is to develop a community that holds what many parents have been lacking in their journey of navigating parenting obstacles; community, empathy, and connection.

Parent Suitcase has a distinct and intentional focus on quality of content + resources over the aesthetic “quick fix” method that’s currently crowding social media. PS aims to be a hub of insight + resources that tackle real topics that are often glossed over (if mentioned at all) on social media.

On this platform, we will be covering some difficult topics. My goal is to bring you data-driven content, real-life perspectives, hand-picked resources, and to further encourage collaborative dialogue. The “parenting village” that you have been looking for is being created right here; together, we will assemble a suitcase full of resource, outreach information, and education for you and for the community surrounding you.

Parent Suitcase also focuses on advocacy, charity, and informative collaborative dialogue with other platforms. If you are interested in collaborating, DM @parentsuitcase on Instagram and send me your ideas!

#parent #parenting #parentproblems #parentingsupport #singleparent #parentingbyconnection #momsofinstagram #momstruggles #parenthood #firstdayofschool #honestmotherhood #seattle #unitedstates #helpful #help #familylife #seattlehealth #careermom #community #parentcommunity #momtobe #dad #dadlife #momlife #dadtobe

Follow @parentsuitcase on Instagram and join my new Patreon here!

The Importance of Community for Parents: Part I

“Why do parents share their personal stories on social media? Aren’t they opening themselves up for criticism and trolling?”

This is a question that I was asked by another parent. I had to think about that one for a bit because I, too, am not big into sharing a lot of personal details on social media. When I originally developed Run Tell Mom, the mission focused on sharing other parental experiences in an effort to build community and to strengthen connections between parents (both alike and unalike). I wanted each story to be a candid take on a parent’s personal experience, one that may resonate with another parent somewhere else in this virtual world. The more story spotlights I featured, the more inquiries I would get to share from another lens. I absolutely LOVED it because it felt like a community wanting to learn more about others, wanting to connect during an isolating, scary period of time when connection seemed like a distant reflection in the rearview mirror.

I felt like social media was becoming increasingly more divided and more contentious, so my solution was to cultivate a virtual social space for parents that felt collaborative, welcoming, and inclusive. I started collaborating with some amazing platforms: speaking with different mental health specialists, authors, doulas, keynote speakers, and healthcare providers on my platform and things just started making so much more sense to me. I was connecting with individuals whom I wished I met before welcoming my now 5yr old. I wanted a different type of support that focused on the parent and not solely on the child.

Following that recognition, I knew that I wanted to focus more on prevention, specifically for parental burnout & family planning. When I say family planning, I mean this in a very abstract sense: gathering resources for mental health support, locating parent & caregiver support groups, finding ways to eat healthy when you’re bone-deep exhausted, how to cross-train with your partner to achieve household equity, etc. In order for me to fulfill those tasks, I had to take more of a front seat approach and be the face in the videos, the Reels, the face not just the headshot. That made me feel uncomfortable because I try to keep my work life separate from private life. Keep in mind: the more you share, the more vulnerable you become to criticism and trolling.

I noticed that there were two strong, recurring themes throughout each collaboration and interview: the importance of social connection and belonging (and to be honest, it’s haaaaaard to authentically create that on social media).

Naively, I thought social media would be the most “natural” way to cultivate a sense of parental belonging- the convenience, the immediacy, and the massive reach that social media offers… it seemed like a no-brainer! It’s not that straightforward.

I’ve had conversations with other parents about how social media feels “competitive” or “harsh at the best of times”. It can feel a lot like high school for many of us: the like-for-like behavior, following popular accounts within one’s niche in order to get your top comments pinned for more platform viewership, interacting with other people whom are (most likely) complete strangers within comments. I stepped back and did my own case studies on the behaviors we all (maybe subconsciously) participate in on social media and I thought to myself “..am I doing this for ME alone or am I doing this to help other parents and caregivers?”

In what other environment are we saying stuff like “thank you for sharing” 10,000 times on another creator’s feed just to feel seen? For many, there is this inherent drive to gain more followers under the guise of calling it one’s community without thoughtfully cultivating feeling of actual community. It’s one thing to authentically support one’s account and their mission, but commenting just to generate traffic to our account for likes feels superficial and self-centered. And full disclosure- I speak from personal experience because I’ve participated in this and it feels yucky and unproductive.

So to answer the question “why does it feel competitive?”- the answer is two-prong.

1. Comparing oneself to the meticulously-edited feeds with clean homes, Pinterest-perfect curated lunches, mothers grinning ear-to-ear in family photos, all while tallying up one’s “like count” and comparing it to other platforms can negatively impact one’s view of self and alter your own definition of parenting success. How would the self-doubt trickle in? And why does it feel like we are competing against other parents in order to see a boost in vanity metrics? Because with every static grid post, every Reel, and every Live interview, there are metrics that are captured & displayed- the amount of likes you get, the views your Reels get, the amount of individuals that tune-into your Live discussion. Tethering your self-worth and personal growth to these vanity metrics can lead one to believe that they aren’t doing it right unless their metrics demonstrate increased numbers. So how do we cleave this? We stop focusing on the metrics as the sole measure of one’s self worth as a parent creator on social media. If your mission is to help parents, allow that to be the measurement of your platform’s success.

The other unpopular topic I am going to pull back the curtain on: why do we call people within our community “followers”?

It feels derogatory to call people “followers”, in fact when we were younger, being called a “follower” was considered derogatory. Certainly, they are “following” your content because they feel inspired by it or maybe it makes them feel seen, but to haphazardly label a group as a “following” places the those individuals on a lower hierarchical level than the content creator.

Think about any account that you follow that exceeds 50,000 people within that community. Imagine the content creator posts a static grid with some provocative statement on that static grid post. It’s like a tinderbox waiting for a sulfur-tipped match to spark a verbally combative debate within the comment section. Now, imagine that static grid post featured an opinion on motherhood- criticizing one’s parenting skills, food choices, or non-physical disciplinary actions. It can get emotionally-charged and pick up engagement speed REAL quick. Can this divide a community? Most certainly, yes. I am 1000% supportive of having an opinion and expressing it tactfully, but verbally attacking others on social media, and in many cases a person you’ve never met before, has its risks and the impact can linger on far beyond that virtual environment.

Maybe it’s a bit of a pipe dream, but I want parents to feel like the platforms they follow are really considering their mental wellbeing and internal point of view, not just their own vanity metrics or posting something purposefully antagonistic in order to grow their own account.

I hope you hang here with me while I slowly start to spin my wheels on this new endeavor. I want you to feel welcomed and empowered here. I also want you to know that I cover some tough topics, so please be kind in the comments- we don’t know what other people are going through, but we know that we want to feel like we belong, like we are seen, and like we have a real community looking after us in a way that feels authentic and supportive.

Stay tuned for Part II,

-Shelley

Founder of @ParentSuitcase on Instagram and @RunTellMom on Instagram

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